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Thursday, March 15, 2012
MwaaHaHaHaHaaaa
Dear Medical Company:
You can't slip one over on me, because I check my bank account regularly. I don't trust any of you creditor people.
Thanks for my $114.98 back. You can keep the $50 you were authorized to take. From now on, you're getting paper checks through the mail. Sealed with a kiss-off :)
Temporarily Yours,
Not-Your J
You can't slip one over on me, because I check my bank account regularly. I don't trust any of you creditor people.
Thanks for my $114.98 back. You can keep the $50 you were authorized to take. From now on, you're getting paper checks through the mail. Sealed with a kiss-off :)
Temporarily Yours,
Not-Your J
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Wow
Oh my goodness, S, sometimes you totally get it. I don't agree with everything on this blog that I've been following for years, but there is enough consistent truth here to keep me coming back. It's good to think for yourself, and I do.
Here's one of the posts that stole my breath.
Here's one of the posts that stole my breath.
My Ideal Woman
March 12th, 2012 by Steve Pavlina
… loves to learn, grow, explore, and share.
… would rather travel to more cities than buy more shoes.
… cares deeply about people, animals, and people who behave like animals.
… feels blissful being cuddled by a warm fire.
… enjoys breaking rules together.
… plays.
… stretches herself.
… loves being caressed in the bathtub.
… embraces truth even when she doesn’t feel strong enough to act on it.
… values contribution more than accumulation.
… likes active days and sensual nights.
… appreciates the gift of life.
… reads.
… forgives old bruises.
… makes healthy food taste yummy.
… tries new things just for the growth experience.
… communicates her desires openly and invites others to do the same.
… loves long walks under a starry sky, holding hands.
… bares her soul when making love.
… hugs.
… is selective about whom she lets in.
… is a crystal whose facets reflect light in ways which seem impossible.
… can be silly when she’s being serious, and serious when she’s being silly.
… accepts that I find her irresistibly attractive even when her body frustrates her.
… trusts in her heart enough to be spontaneous, but still consults her brain.
… doesn’t care what movie we’re watching as long as we’re touching.
… laughs.
… is a paradox.
… likes to meditate by candlelight.
… appreciates sincere reminders that she’s beautiful.
… enjoys hanging out with self-discipline one day and self-indulgence the next.
… likes making me feel powerful, though she can melt me with a glance.
… loves pausing to kiss on escalators.
… smiles.
… would rather travel to more cities than buy more shoes.
… cares deeply about people, animals, and people who behave like animals.
… feels blissful being cuddled by a warm fire.
… enjoys breaking rules together.
… plays.
… stretches herself.
… loves being caressed in the bathtub.
… embraces truth even when she doesn’t feel strong enough to act on it.
… values contribution more than accumulation.
… likes active days and sensual nights.
… appreciates the gift of life.
… reads.
… forgives old bruises.
… makes healthy food taste yummy.
… tries new things just for the growth experience.
… communicates her desires openly and invites others to do the same.
… loves long walks under a starry sky, holding hands.
… bares her soul when making love.
… hugs.
… is selective about whom she lets in.
… is a crystal whose facets reflect light in ways which seem impossible.
… can be silly when she’s being serious, and serious when she’s being silly.
… accepts that I find her irresistibly attractive even when her body frustrates her.
… trusts in her heart enough to be spontaneous, but still consults her brain.
… doesn’t care what movie we’re watching as long as we’re touching.
… laughs.
… is a paradox.
… likes to meditate by candlelight.
… appreciates sincere reminders that she’s beautiful.
… enjoys hanging out with self-discipline one day and self-indulgence the next.
… likes making me feel powerful, though she can melt me with a glance.
… loves pausing to kiss on escalators.
… smiles.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Present
I am in love with aspects of my life!
Thank you, me, for all the hard work I do, all the trying. It's not always easy, but I really do like the person I am. My intentions are good. I am happy with the person I am growing into.
It's important to acknowledge this love along the way. It exists right here.
Cheers to the journey, girl.
Thank you, me, for all the hard work I do, all the trying. It's not always easy, but I really do like the person I am. My intentions are good. I am happy with the person I am growing into.
It's important to acknowledge this love along the way. It exists right here.
Cheers to the journey, girl.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Coffee and Contentment
It's another beautiful day in my ivory tower. Inside every woman is a girl who wants to be treated like a princess. It's hardly practical but...
I love my new red dress. :)
I love my new red dress. :)
Monday, March 5, 2012
A Note for Her
To my dear friend whose heart called me with questions tonight.
His prettiest faces and excessive tip money clearly don't charm her (only the most gorgeous barmaid in TX), but are you waiting for him at your doorstep like some tired New Orleans hag? Or do you see something in him that's real? Know the difference, friend.
Do you still believe? I'll keep supporting you if you truly do. Walk your road with strong intention and not blindness. Make conscious choices every day.
The love you want exists. A man can love you with as much passion as you have. He could desire only you. He could want to save all his pretty faces for you.
Relationships only work if you accept each other's quirks, but giving your best when it isn't equally returned is a shame. Invest your heart wisely.
His prettiest faces and excessive tip money clearly don't charm her (only the most gorgeous barmaid in TX), but are you waiting for him at your doorstep like some tired New Orleans hag? Or do you see something in him that's real? Know the difference, friend.
Do you still believe? I'll keep supporting you if you truly do. Walk your road with strong intention and not blindness. Make conscious choices every day.
The love you want exists. A man can love you with as much passion as you have. He could desire only you. He could want to save all his pretty faces for you.
Relationships only work if you accept each other's quirks, but giving your best when it isn't equally returned is a shame. Invest your heart wisely.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Slammed Again
It's like being hit by lightning. Today my entire body is sore. If you touch some muscles, it shoots a strange pain to somewhere in my brain. I'm having a tough time keeping my eyes in a straight focus.
I can't quite find my words and speaking is like eating cactus. I have no idea how I'm gonna get my work done; the keyboard keys are so heavy to press. Driving seemed to happen in reverse; I kept thinking I was ahead of myself and had to keep rechecking what was between me and where I thought I was (oh, stoplight is here. oh, cars are here. oh, I need to change lanes.)
I'm going to try to run today. A slow start won't hurt, and whatever chemical these migraines dump into my muscles sure leaves me hurting. Is it lactic acid? Fire? Can I work it out? I usually do a full body crosstrain, but we'll see if I can take a spin through nature instead. Nevermind that the left side of my body doesn't quite work yet...
The worst of it is the cognitive residue. The slow speech, the delay while I find my words, or the words that come out wrong but sound right to me until I hear them in the air. This morning to J, "brush your face". And trying to tell a colleague that a book is in my director's office but instead telling him to go to the library.
I hope I look normal. Please eyeballs, just stay in line!
I can't quite find my words and speaking is like eating cactus. I have no idea how I'm gonna get my work done; the keyboard keys are so heavy to press. Driving seemed to happen in reverse; I kept thinking I was ahead of myself and had to keep rechecking what was between me and where I thought I was (oh, stoplight is here. oh, cars are here. oh, I need to change lanes.)
I'm going to try to run today. A slow start won't hurt, and whatever chemical these migraines dump into my muscles sure leaves me hurting. Is it lactic acid? Fire? Can I work it out? I usually do a full body crosstrain, but we'll see if I can take a spin through nature instead. Nevermind that the left side of my body doesn't quite work yet...
The worst of it is the cognitive residue. The slow speech, the delay while I find my words, or the words that come out wrong but sound right to me until I hear them in the air. This morning to J, "brush your face". And trying to tell a colleague that a book is in my director's office but instead telling him to go to the library.
I hope I look normal. Please eyeballs, just stay in line!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
A Zong: O Jenny, don't sobby!
I will always love this poem.
Happy Leap Year, folks. It's a magical day, and anything can happen!
And to my very close friend, let me just say... I see you giving to someone who may not be there. You're better than that. Stand up for yourself from the inside out.
O Jenny, don't sobby! vor I shall be true;
Noo might under heaven shall peart me vrom you.
My heart will be cwold, Jenny, when I do slight
The zwell o' thy bosom, the eyes' sparklen light.
My kinsvo'k would fain zee me teake for my meate
A maid that ha' wealth, but a maid I should heate;
But I'd sooner leabour wi' thee vor my bride,
Than live lik' a squier wi' any bezide.
Vor all busy kinsvo'k, my love will be still
A-zet upon thee lik' the vir in the hill;
An' though they mid worry, an' dreaten, an' mock,
My head's in the storm, but my root's in the rock.
Zoo, Jenny, don't sobby! vor I shall be true;
Noo might under heaven shall peart me vrom you.
My heart will be cwold, Jenny, when I do slight
The zwell o' thy bosom, thy eyes' sparklen light.
William Barnes
Happy Leap Year, folks. It's a magical day, and anything can happen!
And to my very close friend, let me just say... I see you giving to someone who may not be there. You're better than that. Stand up for yourself from the inside out.
O Jenny, don't sobby! vor I shall be true;
Noo might under heaven shall peart me vrom you.
My heart will be cwold, Jenny, when I do slight
The zwell o' thy bosom, the eyes' sparklen light.
My kinsvo'k would fain zee me teake for my meate
A maid that ha' wealth, but a maid I should heate;
But I'd sooner leabour wi' thee vor my bride,
Than live lik' a squier wi' any bezide.
Vor all busy kinsvo'k, my love will be still
A-zet upon thee lik' the vir in the hill;
An' though they mid worry, an' dreaten, an' mock,
My head's in the storm, but my root's in the rock.
Zoo, Jenny, don't sobby! vor I shall be true;
Noo might under heaven shall peart me vrom you.
My heart will be cwold, Jenny, when I do slight
The zwell o' thy bosom, thy eyes' sparklen light.
William Barnes
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
A Hershey's for my Belly
Thanks, Razzle Dazzle, for the unexpected chocolate!!!
A nibble here, a nibble there, and I should have this task accomplished within a year.
A moped version would have been great, but I like your King-Size Mustang style!
A nibble here, a nibble there, and I should have this task accomplished within a year.
A moped version would have been great, but I like your King-Size Mustang style!
Balancing Humanity
Drop into yoga class with me. Enjoy a few quiet asanas.
Come home with me tonight, too. We'll have some Gatorade. Don't mind me if I hop on my treadmill for some more selfishness.
I can't give you all my attention, but I'll at least acknowledge your presence. I don't feel a need to "fix" you.
Contentment belongs to me. I belong to my contentment.
Come home with me tonight, too. We'll have some Gatorade. Don't mind me if I hop on my treadmill for some more selfishness.
I can't give you all my attention, but I'll at least acknowledge your presence. I don't feel a need to "fix" you.
Contentment belongs to me. I belong to my contentment.
Monday, February 27, 2012
MMMMMM Vegetable Pancakes
Makes: 4 servings
Time: At least 30 minutes
Ingredients:
About 1 1/2 pounds grated vegetables, peeled first if necessary (3 cups packed), and squeezed dry
1/2 small onion, grated; or 4 scallions
1 egg or 2 egg whites, lightly beaten
1/4 cup white or whole wheat flour, more or less
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Olive or vegetable oil or butter for greasing the pan
1. Heat the oven to 275°F. Grate the vegetable or vegetables by hand or with the grating disk of a food processor. Mix together the vegetables, onion, egg, and 1/4 cup of the flour. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Add a little more flour if the mixture isn't holding together.
2. Put a little butter or oil in a large skillet or griddle over medium-high heat. When the butter is melted or the oil is hot, drop in spoonfuls of the batter, using a fork to spread the vegetables into an even layer, press down a bit. Work in batches to prevent overcrowding. (Transfer finished pancakes to the oven until all are finished.) Cook, turning once, until nicely browned on both sides, about 5 minutes. Serve hot or at room temperature.
From the award-winning champion of culinary simplicity who gave us the bestselling How to Cook Everything and How to Cook Everything Vegetarian comes Food Matters, a plan for responsible eating that's as good for the planet as it is for your weight and your health.
Time: At least 30 minutes
Ingredients:
About 1 1/2 pounds grated vegetables, peeled first if necessary (3 cups packed), and squeezed dry
1/2 small onion, grated; or 4 scallions
1 egg or 2 egg whites, lightly beaten
1/4 cup white or whole wheat flour, more or less
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
Olive or vegetable oil or butter for greasing the pan
1. Heat the oven to 275°F. Grate the vegetable or vegetables by hand or with the grating disk of a food processor. Mix together the vegetables, onion, egg, and 1/4 cup of the flour. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Add a little more flour if the mixture isn't holding together.
2. Put a little butter or oil in a large skillet or griddle over medium-high heat. When the butter is melted or the oil is hot, drop in spoonfuls of the batter, using a fork to spread the vegetables into an even layer, press down a bit. Work in batches to prevent overcrowding. (Transfer finished pancakes to the oven until all are finished.) Cook, turning once, until nicely browned on both sides, about 5 minutes. Serve hot or at room temperature.
From the award-winning champion of culinary simplicity who gave us the bestselling How to Cook Everything and How to Cook Everything Vegetarian comes Food Matters, a plan for responsible eating that's as good for the planet as it is for your weight and your health.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Running for Savannah Hardin
I thought I was going to try for a new PR. I thought I was going to represent my sorority. I thought that stomping on my alma mater 5K was so important.
http://news.yahoo.com/2-charged-death-ala-girl-forced-run-082216169.html
Tomorrow you'll find me wearing a plain black t-shirt and this sweet little girl's name on my bib above my number.
I wish I could have protected you. I wish I could have given you a better life. I wish I could have taken your pain.
I can only promise to be a better mama to my own.
For you, Savannah. All my love and effort will be for you, dear child.
http://news.yahoo.com/2-charged-death-ala-girl-forced-run-082216169.html
Tomorrow you'll find me wearing a plain black t-shirt and this sweet little girl's name on my bib above my number.
I wish I could have protected you. I wish I could have given you a better life. I wish I could have taken your pain.
I can only promise to be a better mama to my own.
For you, Savannah. All my love and effort will be for you, dear child.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Alive
I'll sprint past my usual step-by-step synopsis and just say that it was an amazing experience. I saw weird things, happy things, and sad things. I learned a lot about myself and my city. I ran the entire half marathon and somewhere along the way that day, realized I wasn't a quitter.
I've held this "quitter" label all my life. I go after things I want with passion and unstoppable force and ALWAYS achieve, but it's driven by this fear that deep inside I don't actually deserve it. I have so many moments when I feel like I'm causing more mess for everyone than I'm worth, and my internal belief is that it's best if I just go away, leave, quit.
Why is running giving me self-worth? I had a tough time starting this sport, craving the judgement of an audience clapping (or gasping in horror at a cracked note), desiring the points earned from an aced shot off the sweet spot in my tennis racket. There's something about the lack of feedback, that it's only me pushing myself to keep going... and not quit. No one else really cares if I keep going or if I walk. Yet I'm finding the strength and the will to run.
To live.
Dragonfly, you knew all along.
I've held this "quitter" label all my life. I go after things I want with passion and unstoppable force and ALWAYS achieve, but it's driven by this fear that deep inside I don't actually deserve it. I have so many moments when I feel like I'm causing more mess for everyone than I'm worth, and my internal belief is that it's best if I just go away, leave, quit.
Why is running giving me self-worth? I had a tough time starting this sport, craving the judgement of an audience clapping (or gasping in horror at a cracked note), desiring the points earned from an aced shot off the sweet spot in my tennis racket. There's something about the lack of feedback, that it's only me pushing myself to keep going... and not quit. No one else really cares if I keep going or if I walk. Yet I'm finding the strength and the will to run.
To live.
Dragonfly, you knew all along.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
J, I Got Your Number 17296
http://www.whydoyourun.com/
I think you have to have a certain kind of phone, but you can check out my progress (hopefully) at this website with that bib number Sunday morning. Gun fires, at the race director's discretion, at approx 7AM.
OMG. Can I really run that far?
Hey ego, shut up.
We're just gonna play and have a little fun.
Words to remember:
No words like:
Now that we have that settled, what shall we wear to this dance? Favorite comfy running skirt or newer "marathon shorts" that dare a bit more leg? Barrette or floppy hair? There you are girl, when you revel in your passion for fashion, I see you clearly.
I think you have to have a certain kind of phone, but you can check out my progress (hopefully) at this website with that bib number Sunday morning. Gun fires, at the race director's discretion, at approx 7AM.
OMG. Can I really run that far?
Hey ego, shut up.
We're just gonna play and have a little fun.
Words to remember:
- Participate
- Enjoy
- Hydrate
- Free
- People
- Laugh
- Energy
- Live
- Excited
No words like:
- PR
- Race
- Accomplish
- Perfect
- Goal
- Nervous
- Earn
- Push
- And I don't know what word this is, but I will especially NOT feel like anyone else belongs there any more than I do. Ah, here is is: UNDESERVING.
Now that we have that settled, what shall we wear to this dance? Favorite comfy running skirt or newer "marathon shorts" that dare a bit more leg? Barrette or floppy hair? There you are girl, when you revel in your passion for fashion, I see you clearly.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Playing Free
I've never understood free play. The thought of it makes me want to lie down and rest.
Learning to dissect music and perform it was hardly easy. I learned a lot about myself, and found a path of personal growth in between the notes. Free form still eluded me. I couldn't let go of the formulas in front of me enough to let my passion rise above.
Yoga found me several years ago. I learned all the textbook stuff and appreciated the changes that I saw as a result of the practice I performed in class. When I tried to repeat the sequences at home, I floundered. When we had free time in class, I panicked.
I've always dabbled in running it seems, but never looked to it for any lessons. It's just been there as I wanted it or needed the extra push. I always approached my treadmill with a certain time goal in mind, or distance. It never even occurred to me to look for any freedom. Why would I?? It's not in my personality to be so loosely structured.
Last night, I laced up my tennies (I am in love with my dirty sneakers) and asked my knee what we should do together on the treadmill. It said, "I don't know. Let's try and see." I didn't like that answer at all, so I asked my achy hip. It said, "How should I know?? Hop on and take me for a spin."
I started the motor and began a warmup, listening for further cues from these conductors. Lungs, how about y'all? Anything to say? Attitude? Ego says, "You shouldn't do this. I'm gonna push you hard enough tonight to never forget this punishing lesson: you can't trust not having a plan."
I told my ego that I would check back with it in the last ten minutes of the run. The time until then was mine to do with as I pleased.
And it was.
I played it like jazz, baby.
I ran it like I should have been playing my flute, my yoga, my life.
That doesn't matter now. What does matter is now.
Learning to dissect music and perform it was hardly easy. I learned a lot about myself, and found a path of personal growth in between the notes. Free form still eluded me. I couldn't let go of the formulas in front of me enough to let my passion rise above.
Yoga found me several years ago. I learned all the textbook stuff and appreciated the changes that I saw as a result of the practice I performed in class. When I tried to repeat the sequences at home, I floundered. When we had free time in class, I panicked.
I've always dabbled in running it seems, but never looked to it for any lessons. It's just been there as I wanted it or needed the extra push. I always approached my treadmill with a certain time goal in mind, or distance. It never even occurred to me to look for any freedom. Why would I?? It's not in my personality to be so loosely structured.
Last night, I laced up my tennies (I am in love with my dirty sneakers) and asked my knee what we should do together on the treadmill. It said, "I don't know. Let's try and see." I didn't like that answer at all, so I asked my achy hip. It said, "How should I know?? Hop on and take me for a spin."
I started the motor and began a warmup, listening for further cues from these conductors. Lungs, how about y'all? Anything to say? Attitude? Ego says, "You shouldn't do this. I'm gonna push you hard enough tonight to never forget this punishing lesson: you can't trust not having a plan."
I told my ego that I would check back with it in the last ten minutes of the run. The time until then was mine to do with as I pleased.
And it was.
I played it like jazz, baby.
I ran it like I should have been playing my flute, my yoga, my life.
That doesn't matter now. What does matter is now.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Tenacity
Baby, I was born this way. Perseverance knows me well.
If I want to accept my rightful place in this world, I can.
I'm inspired.
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Dragonfly, is it time already?
I won't say, "we'll wait and see", because I believe in me.
If I want to accept my rightful place in this world, I can.
I'm inspired.
~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~
Dragonfly, is it time already?
I won't say, "we'll wait and see", because I believe in me.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Kristen's Wisdom
At any given moment, you have the power to say, this is not how the story is going to end.
The Starting Line
They say that today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Letting go of the past doesn't mean forgetting it, but you can't live in its shadow. You can't assume that your entire life is predicted by your past. Especially if you choose to educate yourself and act wisely.
I repeatedly forget that it's not me against the world in my quest for independence. I've honed a sharp talent for being alone in my skin. I constantly proclaim that my daughter is the only person who has not hurt me, and from whom I can accept love.
ENOUGH!
Today is another first day in my life.
Letting go of the past doesn't mean forgetting it, but you can't live in its shadow. You can't assume that your entire life is predicted by your past. Especially if you choose to educate yourself and act wisely.
I repeatedly forget that it's not me against the world in my quest for independence. I've honed a sharp talent for being alone in my skin. I constantly proclaim that my daughter is the only person who has not hurt me, and from whom I can accept love.
ENOUGH!
Today is another first day in my life.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Attachments
This sounds neat. Thanks, Steve.
Ho’oponopono It
When I was at the Transformational Leadership Council retreat in Kona, Hawaii last week, we did an interesting Ho’oponopono exercise that included writing an exhaustive list of anyone and anything from the past that we still felt a lingering attachment to. At the end of the exercise, we tore up our lists, a symbolic way of shedding those attachments. This doesn’t mean shedding those people from one’s life. It just means releasing any unconscious attachments to them, so you can make a freer and more conscious choice about how to relate (or not relate) to them thereafter. At least that was my understanding of the exercise.
At the time I did that exercise, I didn’t sense that anything special had happened. It was a nice gesture but not particularly transformational for me. However, when I returned to Vegas several days later, I could tell that something had shifted in my attitudes towards certain people. I could more easily distinguish the aspects of those connections that I was freely inviting vs. those aspects that had become riddled with unconscious expectations and obligations. I felt a greater sense of freedom to relate on the basis of choice while releasing any lingering loyalty to the expectation side. I felt more empowered to relate to people as my true self without worrying about their reactions.
When it’s obvious that some part of your life isn’t working, stop. Release what isn’t working. Then choose another path. People will squawk at you, but you’ll be happier on the other side.
Ho’oponopono It
When I was at the Transformational Leadership Council retreat in Kona, Hawaii last week, we did an interesting Ho’oponopono exercise that included writing an exhaustive list of anyone and anything from the past that we still felt a lingering attachment to. At the end of the exercise, we tore up our lists, a symbolic way of shedding those attachments. This doesn’t mean shedding those people from one’s life. It just means releasing any unconscious attachments to them, so you can make a freer and more conscious choice about how to relate (or not relate) to them thereafter. At least that was my understanding of the exercise.
At the time I did that exercise, I didn’t sense that anything special had happened. It was a nice gesture but not particularly transformational for me. However, when I returned to Vegas several days later, I could tell that something had shifted in my attitudes towards certain people. I could more easily distinguish the aspects of those connections that I was freely inviting vs. those aspects that had become riddled with unconscious expectations and obligations. I felt a greater sense of freedom to relate on the basis of choice while releasing any lingering loyalty to the expectation side. I felt more empowered to relate to people as my true self without worrying about their reactions.
When it’s obvious that some part of your life isn’t working, stop. Release what isn’t working. Then choose another path. People will squawk at you, but you’ll be happier on the other side.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Do You Ever Feel Like
Another brick in the wall?
A grain of sand on an enormous beach?
A member of an insane clown posse?
A fiber on a strand of thread in a yarn of a square of an afghan?
A molecule of oxygen floating in a particle of air on a stranger's breath?
Are we really so unique?
No.
Yes.
It really doesn't matter as long as you are at peace with yourself. You can't ask anyone else to make you feel special! Reach for your stars. Push forward.
A grain of sand on an enormous beach?
A member of an insane clown posse?
A fiber on a strand of thread in a yarn of a square of an afghan?
A molecule of oxygen floating in a particle of air on a stranger's breath?
Are we really so unique?
No.
Yes.
It really doesn't matter as long as you are at peace with yourself. You can't ask anyone else to make you feel special! Reach for your stars. Push forward.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Gramma's Gifts on her Birthday
BB, you disappointed me yesterday. I can't be your girl if you put such ultimatums and attachments on me. PARD caught my attention last weekend. That was an accident of my wandering eye, but now I feel scorned and am inspired to actively seek.
Put your tether away, because this horse will only run faster!
~~~~~~~~~
Gramma, I remember you on your b-day. I've been considering a few of the qualities you instilled in me- for better or for worse.
Independence- I truly have no idea why you stayed in your marriage, or how you loved your man. There were times when I saw the sweetest depths between yall, but there were other times when I saw you spread your wings and fly solo. You knew love, but you allowed your children, and me, to be hurt by his hands.
You gave me a home but never helped me succeed in it. You told me not to dream too big so that I wouldn't be disappointed. You didn't want me doubling up on my jr/sr level classes and taking correspondence courses from UT at the same time. You didn't like my letter from that Ivy League school or the invitation to tour Europe with my flute. You didn't like my drive in academics or athletics. I didn't pursue some of those opportunities, but you bet I fought my way out of that little town. This is where I give you credit for teaching me to earn my own damn independence. Years later, when I brought my baby into this world and had forged my own path, you finally forgave me and acknowledged my independence. You even praised me for it and spoke highly of me to your friends. The last time we visited, you even spoke highly of me to me.
You taught me how to balance my checkbook and you managed the family budget. I may not have followed your footsteps perfectly, but I get it now and things are running smoother than ever. Gramma, I wish I'd paid attention sooner. I didn't think I was in the same position you were and that I could afford to do things differently. I was wrong.
I have more goals in this area of independence, but you'd be proud of what I've accomplished so far.
Tenacity- I saw in you unbelievable resilience. You never gave up. Your life was hard. On those nights when I've wanted to pop every pill in the house and fall peacefully into permanent slumber, I can't deny that my life is comparatively easy. It's you that I still turn to in the worst of times. You were always there to scoop me up and put me into a warm bed when I had truly lost everyone else. Since you didn't give up on me so many times before, I never will. Strength can be accumulated if you flex often, and I'm determined and muscle-bound.
You worked hard on your land and in your professional career. You were an intelligent woman who still took time to freshen her lipstick and paint her nails. Your cooking skills live on in my kitchen and your sweat mingles with mine in my garden. You energy levels always amazed me. I am your granddaughter through and through.
I try hard in everything I do because of you. I hope not to do anything halfway. I love my best and I play my best. I give, give, give my best. I feel terrible when I don't.
I can do more, and I will.
The bratty factor- You could pout with the best of them! By your own assertion, you were a spoiled little girl! If you wanted lights in your garden, my goodness, grampa made it happen! I think you knew you had a few things coming your way- you earned them.
This little brat could stand a few lessons, but not the ones you might have thought. You always seemed to think I was in your way, that I asked for too much of your time. When we lived together, our best moments were when I was quiet and by your side. How I hated boring weekends watching PBS!!! What 10th grader wants to watch Central Texas Gardener?!?!
You were proud of yourself for your own accomplishments, and you wanted recognition for them. You didn't want anyone to take away what belonged to you. I promise you, gramma, I NEVER wanted anything that was yours. I believe that in death we finally see all truths. I know you hear my heart now. I only wanted your love and nothing more.
Your little brat will always want love and a place to belong. (Independence and tenacity don't bring these things.)
Optimism/Pessimism- Which were you? You got mad at me once because I failed your pessimism quiz, but to me the results of the quiz meant I was being realistic. We never did see eye to eye on that one! To this day, I never know whether to look at the beer can half empty or half full, but I don't give up on people. Just like you. You never gave up on anyone.
Being so open allows for deep wounds in the heart. My experience tells me that true love never dies. Here is my optimism, gramma- I love deeply. I'm even learning to let go and simply trust. You can't protect the heart and love at the same time.
That beer can is however you want it to be, full, empty, or on its way. There's no right answer because I'm independent, tenacious, and bratty enough to LOVE myself and others in this big, wide world.
I love you today and forever. I know what this means.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Tara Wisely Says...
No Mud, No Lotus http://www.tarabrach.com/audio/2011-12-21-No-Mud-No-Lotus-TaraBrach.mp3
Our attitude in the face of life's challenges determines our suffering or our freedom. This solstice talk explores the light of compassion that blossoms when we honor our difficult times with a deep, mindful attention.
Our attitude in the face of life's challenges determines our suffering or our freedom. This solstice talk explores the light of compassion that blossoms when we honor our difficult times with a deep, mindful attention.
Vanilla Blues
Times like these, you're supposed to lean on other people.
Work is really hard right now. I'm breathing, I think. I feel like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky yelling, "TECH SUPPORT!!!!" I'm sincerely trying my best, but I'm scrambling for... I forgot.
I'm a little sadder than I expected to be. I can't wish this feeling away; I feel like it should be honored somehow.
J, I'm sorry I fed you a Lean Pocket and cereal for dinner last night. I'm trying to be a good mama. TECH SUPPORT!!!!
I was supposed to clean my house last night, and I did turn on the dishwasher at least. Mostly I cried in bed. J made me a bracelet in my favorite color that spelled out in beads, "I LOVE YOU". I went and laid in her bed and tried to put on a happy face. I told her that she was my magic that always made me happy. She looked really pleased with herself.
I should have run my 6 miles too. At least I washed my face and brushed my teeth.
There's another long night ahead. TECH SUPPORT!!!!
Tara?
Work is really hard right now. I'm breathing, I think. I feel like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky yelling, "TECH SUPPORT!!!!" I'm sincerely trying my best, but I'm scrambling for... I forgot.
I'm a little sadder than I expected to be. I can't wish this feeling away; I feel like it should be honored somehow.
J, I'm sorry I fed you a Lean Pocket and cereal for dinner last night. I'm trying to be a good mama. TECH SUPPORT!!!!
I was supposed to clean my house last night, and I did turn on the dishwasher at least. Mostly I cried in bed. J made me a bracelet in my favorite color that spelled out in beads, "I LOVE YOU". I went and laid in her bed and tried to put on a happy face. I told her that she was my magic that always made me happy. She looked really pleased with herself.
I should have run my 6 miles too. At least I washed my face and brushed my teeth.
There's another long night ahead. TECH SUPPORT!!!!
Tara?
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Goodbye, Uncle Mark
You made her happy. I saw her face when she talked about you.
She was, is, and always will be a woman in love.
We know what love is.
Lucky man!
She was, is, and always will be a woman in love.
We know what love is.
Lucky man!
Flying Blind
Last night was my first "social" non-competitive organized group run. Since I don't usually get to start at the end, I'll indulge and tell you now that it all turned out well, and I was happy with my finish time. (29 min 5k if you believe C, 30 min 5k if you believe runningtimes.com) The nice thing about being a beginner runner is that PR's fly at you often. Don't get used to it, girl.
The mind is an amazing creature. It can lie to you in bad ways, or pump you up to be your best. It can be suspicious or completely content. My yoga mind is the most peaceful, appreciating the world and taking note of all my emotions and thoughts without delving into them.
While running, my mind does not always know how to occupy itself. I find that it repeats the Poe quote, "'I hastened to make an end of my labour". Then it plays with the words, "hastened, hasten, haste", "haste, pace", "pace, pace, pace", "hasten your pace for less waste", "waste your waist", "don't waste your labour", "end your labour", "end your work", "work your pace"!!!! On and on!!!
I made the mistake last night of paying attention and being too eager. When the social run leader said "Go!" I WENT! I didn't realize that it's supposed to be like a buffet and everyone kind of hesitates for someone else to start. As a result, I had placed myself too far in the front and for the first few minutes, all I saw were faster runners passing me. Even at that, I was nervous and had shot out of there like a horse on steroids. My butt was cramping and I was running too fast but keeping it up because I was afraid of being left behind.
I had no idea where I stood in the pack, and eventually, I was a lone runner and couldn't see anyone in my group. Was I in the back? Had I found a pocket? Were the people around me just other Town Lake runners, or were they with my group? What is this bridge doing here?? I'm not to Mopac yet, but I'm out of trail and have to cross over... Make a decision. NOW!
I chugged forward hard and eventually caught up to some faster runners who'd passed me earlier and had decided to walk. I pushed again, finally confident that my earlier bridge crossing had been a correct decision. There's Mopac! My breathing was atypically heavy, and I didn't trust my new tennies, with my signature still wet on the receipt. I had no idea where the stairs for the Lamar bridge were, and I was sure I'd passed them. There were few runners on the dim trail, and I kept passing male walkers in street clothes- I wasn't going to stop to talk...
I finally saw a familiar backpack, someone in my group who passed me earlier, and I asked (panted) for the direction I needed. There was the Lamar bridge in front of me, and we ran it in together!
There in the dark, frustrated and full of fear, I found that I had already made haste of my labour.
The mind is an amazing creature. It can lie to you in bad ways, or pump you up to be your best. It can be suspicious or completely content. My yoga mind is the most peaceful, appreciating the world and taking note of all my emotions and thoughts without delving into them.
While running, my mind does not always know how to occupy itself. I find that it repeats the Poe quote, "'I hastened to make an end of my labour". Then it plays with the words, "hastened, hasten, haste", "haste, pace", "pace, pace, pace", "hasten your pace for less waste", "waste your waist", "don't waste your labour", "end your labour", "end your work", "work your pace"!!!! On and on!!!
I made the mistake last night of paying attention and being too eager. When the social run leader said "Go!" I WENT! I didn't realize that it's supposed to be like a buffet and everyone kind of hesitates for someone else to start. As a result, I had placed myself too far in the front and for the first few minutes, all I saw were faster runners passing me. Even at that, I was nervous and had shot out of there like a horse on steroids. My butt was cramping and I was running too fast but keeping it up because I was afraid of being left behind.
I had no idea where I stood in the pack, and eventually, I was a lone runner and couldn't see anyone in my group. Was I in the back? Had I found a pocket? Were the people around me just other Town Lake runners, or were they with my group? What is this bridge doing here?? I'm not to Mopac yet, but I'm out of trail and have to cross over... Make a decision. NOW!
I chugged forward hard and eventually caught up to some faster runners who'd passed me earlier and had decided to walk. I pushed again, finally confident that my earlier bridge crossing had been a correct decision. There's Mopac! My breathing was atypically heavy, and I didn't trust my new tennies, with my signature still wet on the receipt. I had no idea where the stairs for the Lamar bridge were, and I was sure I'd passed them. There were few runners on the dim trail, and I kept passing male walkers in street clothes- I wasn't going to stop to talk...
I finally saw a familiar backpack, someone in my group who passed me earlier, and I asked (panted) for the direction I needed. There was the Lamar bridge in front of me, and we ran it in together!
There in the dark, frustrated and full of fear, I found that I had already made haste of my labour.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
HELLO, Hello, hello...
From my hiatus. Even bad girls get vacation sometimes.
I've yogad, shopped, lunched, run, boot camped, cleaned, gardened, and loved. More.
Have I learned?
Am I giving it all away or keeping too much for myself? Sometimes they look the same.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Staycations make me introspective. My garden always reminds me of my gramma, which also gives me pause. My peas and bluebonnets show me how love should be. Pure, innocent, open, and gentle.
A very cool thing- I got a big, wet, sincere hug this week from a random dog moments after I'd recounted a story of long-lost pet to a friend. Goodnight, Seagram, you were present. Mr. Retriever knows how love is!
I do too.
I've yogad, shopped, lunched, run, boot camped, cleaned, gardened, and loved. More.
Have I learned?
Am I giving it all away or keeping too much for myself? Sometimes they look the same.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Staycations make me introspective. My garden always reminds me of my gramma, which also gives me pause. My peas and bluebonnets show me how love should be. Pure, innocent, open, and gentle.
A very cool thing- I got a big, wet, sincere hug this week from a random dog moments after I'd recounted a story of long-lost pet to a friend. Goodnight, Seagram, you were present. Mr. Retriever knows how love is!
I do too.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Talking in Circles
Dear Lady in the Hallway,
I don't need feedback every single time I get a haircut. Yes, I agree that my next-to-last stylist did a better job on the back of my hair. However, I think my bangs look better this time around, and I like the choppier look Erica gave me.
Really, I'm gonna start using the restroom on the next floor up if you keep giving me your opinions. I can't care that much about what other people think, I'm rockin my style my way.
My way, baby.
So stop walking tight little circles around me. You're making me a dizzy blonde.
Love,
not your j
~~
I don't need feedback every single time I get a haircut. Yes, I agree that my next-to-last stylist did a better job on the back of my hair. However, I think my bangs look better this time around, and I like the choppier look Erica gave me.
Really, I'm gonna start using the restroom on the next floor up if you keep giving me your opinions. I can't care that much about what other people think, I'm rockin my style my way.
My way, baby.
So stop walking tight little circles around me. You're making me a dizzy blonde.
Love,
not your j
~~
Dreamland
Sleepy people should go back to bed.
It's still a long day ahead, but I don't mind as much as I thought I would.
Y didn't mention my lunch today, but I'm feeling rather complacent about that too. Cafeteria it is. Don't count on people to follow through with things, but make sure you follow through!
I am happy.
~~~~
P.S. Re-found appreciation of Maroon 5? Thanks, B.
~~~~
It's still a long day ahead, but I don't mind as much as I thought I would.
Y didn't mention my lunch today, but I'm feeling rather complacent about that too. Cafeteria it is. Don't count on people to follow through with things, but make sure you follow through!
I am happy.
~~~~
P.S. Re-found appreciation of Maroon 5? Thanks, B.
~~~~
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
MLK Day Play
I know I shouldn't blog so much about running on here... bear with me for another post? I just love my new adventures so much.
Our local track is in great shape, and I hit it hard yesterday evening. There was a football group of some kind playing at one end of the field, but they didn't look like an organized club, so I felt pretty good about claiming some running space. There were no other runners/walkers on the track itself, and I did stake that territory!!
I clocked my quarter mile splits, focusing on pace, breathing, form, all the right stuff. Near the finish, a little growling barking dog rushed me from a side field. I saw that it had an owner chasing it, so I slowed and stopped so that it didn't think I was prey to attack. The owner kindly apologized, and before I took off again, I realized I was in a sidekick self-defense posture against both the dog and it's owner. I didn't bend down to pet, just anchored on my left leg, with my right knee bent, and let him sniff my ankle. Any sign of aggression and I was ready to push outwards and let that little dog fly! My upper arms had risen from their natural running 90 degree angle, ready to face block. I didn't plan nor realize this for 24 seconds (darn you little dog, that was my last timed lap!), until the owner scooped up Mr. Puppy and carried him away. I unfolded my body, relaxed and took off again.
Around the next bend, I set into motion a gorgeous, giant buck. I didn't have time to count his points, but he was strong and strapping! He had been walking calmly in the field, and I'd seen something in the dusky distance but couldn't quite verify that I did in fact see anything. As I ran closer and he powerfully hightailed it away from me, I could feel his bestial power and sense his intent. Beautiful.
We are both runners tonight, my friend.
Finally, I have to mention the bold Texas flag that waved to me at every quarter mile mark. It rose high above the trees, grand with it's sharply contrasting colors against the pale blue sky. As the sun began to set, I expected the stripes to blend into the darkness. Instead, I noticed that a bright spotlight shone through and backlit the flag against our clear, starry sky. I love my state.
I hope to someday travel far and wide, but I know where my heart rests.
Yes, I am in love.
~~~~~~~~~~
Our local track is in great shape, and I hit it hard yesterday evening. There was a football group of some kind playing at one end of the field, but they didn't look like an organized club, so I felt pretty good about claiming some running space. There were no other runners/walkers on the track itself, and I did stake that territory!!
I clocked my quarter mile splits, focusing on pace, breathing, form, all the right stuff. Near the finish, a little growling barking dog rushed me from a side field. I saw that it had an owner chasing it, so I slowed and stopped so that it didn't think I was prey to attack. The owner kindly apologized, and before I took off again, I realized I was in a sidekick self-defense posture against both the dog and it's owner. I didn't bend down to pet, just anchored on my left leg, with my right knee bent, and let him sniff my ankle. Any sign of aggression and I was ready to push outwards and let that little dog fly! My upper arms had risen from their natural running 90 degree angle, ready to face block. I didn't plan nor realize this for 24 seconds (darn you little dog, that was my last timed lap!), until the owner scooped up Mr. Puppy and carried him away. I unfolded my body, relaxed and took off again.
Around the next bend, I set into motion a gorgeous, giant buck. I didn't have time to count his points, but he was strong and strapping! He had been walking calmly in the field, and I'd seen something in the dusky distance but couldn't quite verify that I did in fact see anything. As I ran closer and he powerfully hightailed it away from me, I could feel his bestial power and sense his intent. Beautiful.
We are both runners tonight, my friend.
Finally, I have to mention the bold Texas flag that waved to me at every quarter mile mark. It rose high above the trees, grand with it's sharply contrasting colors against the pale blue sky. As the sun began to set, I expected the stripes to blend into the darkness. Instead, I noticed that a bright spotlight shone through and backlit the flag against our clear, starry sky. I love my state.
I hope to someday travel far and wide, but I know where my heart rests.
Yes, I am in love.
~~~~~~~~~~
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Best Sunday Friends
I've hair salonned.
(Love the edgy bob)
I've run.
(I keep almost tripping while flying down those trails. Pray that I keep my impossibly agile feet!)
I've seen a lot of dogs!
(Stop running and walk towards them if they're not on a leash, and don't look them in the eye. But don't be fearful either, because you can outpower them if needed.)
I seriously need to clean house.
(Tomorrow. Then I'll go visit Victoria as a big treat!)
Instead of cleaning today, I enjoyed time with an old friend. We took our kids to the park together. Little did we know back in those flute ensemble days that we would still know each other!!! (TQ, you're a million times more talented than my e-flat pinky finger will ever be!!)
You're a million times more cherished than I can ever tell you.
(Love the edgy bob)
I've run.
(I keep almost tripping while flying down those trails. Pray that I keep my impossibly agile feet!)
I've seen a lot of dogs!
(Stop running and walk towards them if they're not on a leash, and don't look them in the eye. But don't be fearful either, because you can outpower them if needed.)
I seriously need to clean house.
(Tomorrow. Then I'll go visit Victoria as a big treat!)
Instead of cleaning today, I enjoyed time with an old friend. We took our kids to the park together. Little did we know back in those flute ensemble days that we would still know each other!!! (TQ, you're a million times more talented than my e-flat pinky finger will ever be!!)
You're a million times more cherished than I can ever tell you.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Livin it Up
Loneliness is fickle! It's not real.
When I feel it, and I stop to really feel it, it morphs into another thing entirely. Like anger. Or sadness. Loneliness is just a shadow of something else that wants to be thought about.
Or questions that want to be asked. I don't always want the answers.
~~~
Today I runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
Tomorrow I'll hair salon! I'll shop! I'll people and dog watch in my downtown!
If I don't spoil me and live my life to the fullest, the job won't get done.
My heart is my desire.
It's important.
When I feel it, and I stop to really feel it, it morphs into another thing entirely. Like anger. Or sadness. Loneliness is just a shadow of something else that wants to be thought about.
Or questions that want to be asked. I don't always want the answers.
~~~
Today I runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
Tomorrow I'll hair salon! I'll shop! I'll people and dog watch in my downtown!
If I don't spoil me and live my life to the fullest, the job won't get done.
My heart is my desire.
It's important.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Learning Long
I've been to the loneliest of places. And stood scared, facing my realest problems, screaming about them into the darkness at the top of my lungs.
I know that place, and who I am when I'm there.
I've left my trail litter. Carved on a log, "this girl wuz here".
Life is a journey, baby!
I know that place, and who I am when I'm there.
I've left my trail litter. Carved on a log, "this girl wuz here".
Life is a journey, baby!
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