Friday, July 7, 2017

The Same Difference

It's all different, but somehow looks the same.

The Kid is perturbed with me today because we've been spending a lot of time together this summer. I'm The Parent, and though we can be friends at times, I can override a situation without question.  That imbalance of power causes a quiet buzz of friction.

I try to plan activities she enjoys, and to cook her favorite foods. I hope I give her enough space to be herself. Even so, I am strict with rules and have high standards for self discipline.

The update is that she's irritated because she overheard me talking to The Husband about all this late last night. Nothing was said that shouldn't have been, but it doesn't feel good to be talked about.

The BIG news update is that I have been hired!! I didn't get a callback from my preferred employer, but alongside applying there, I cast my net a little wider and found a position specifically related to my degree. My preferred employer was unrelated to my degree, because I had pretty much given up trying to get back in. Jobs in music management or music marketing are nearly impossible to find, and I thought I was destined to be an over-talented secretary.

I have some time before the position starts. Though it stretches the budget, I'm glad to have a bit more time with The Kid. Today looks just like any other day a couple weeks ago, but knowing I am back in my field after 12 years has changed me.

When I was preparing for the interview, The Kid looked through my portfolio and expressed her surprise at my documented accomplishments. I told her that part of why I've been so sad was that I felt I'd lost my potential. I had, at one time, believed so strongly that I had POTENTIAL

She told me, "according to physics, everything has potential"

Of course.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Marching On

I felt well enough yesterday to get my run on, and the RD was kind enough to put me in the virtual category. My favorite park hadn't changed much, but my breathless, heavier body finished the distance slower and more breathless than ever. I can't count how many times I've "started over" with running, but I am always grateful to be at this point rather than in recovery. I was really running again.

I got two callbacks this morning for interviews. One for a music/dance performing arts school, and the other for a design studio. They both have their positives, and I'm looking forward to learning more about the positions and the fit. Both are a commute.

In the meantime, I need to get my hair trimmed, tend my fingernails, and prepare a couple stylish outfits. My portfolio could use a new cover.

I could use some coffee.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

All Kinds of Kindness

Life is an uncontrollable sort of thing, best taken with a swig of humor and kindness.

I was slammed with a headache yesterday and couldn't get to my 5k. The head pain came with vertigo and nausea, and the best I could do was stay in and take Pain reliever. I cried a bit, feeling sorry for myself, but even looking forward to that event helped my week. 

The Husband suggested I find a 5k for tomorrow morning, even if I have to pay for the entry. That's such a nice thought, especially since he's paying my ticket lately. 

Maybe I didn't get to go in the end, but  I did gain a positive outcome in my attitude. I won't dwell on how much I wanted to be there or that the winner of my AG was over 28 mins... and my PR beats that time... the TRUTH  is that I wasn't going to run hard anyway. 

The truth is that I am hanging in, day by day, and it is a helluvan effort. Balance and moderation are here but do not stay without tending. Self kindness actually takes discipline. 

We both have the weekend off, but the headache is really digging its heels in, so we're just sitting around. The Kid is at the beach with friends. The Husband says this is relaxing. 

Friday, June 23, 2017

Slow and Steady

I won another race entry, short distance 5k, and start time is 9pm this evening. My body is finally ready for a 5min run/1 min walk for this distance without injury. I've really been looking forward to this event- I just found out about my free spot on Tuesday.

In the meantime, I have been sewing a dress for work and applied for a couple more open positions at my choice employer. No callback yet... I've also applied at some local admin jobs, which I consider middle ground between the primo employer and the callcanter (last resort).

I've been taking my coffee on the patio in the mornings, leaving my phone inside, just to rest my mind and commune with nature a bit. We're finally to the point where the weatherman declares each day "the  hottest day of the year" and I don't enjoy midday outside activities. The patio time has been nice.

I can't wait to be among my pack tonight. There's nothing like standing in a corral, waiting for the start gun. I haven't run an event since last fall, and I'm trying hard to remember who I am lately.

I run.

Friday, June 16, 2017


I just passed the two-week mark into my unemployment. It feels so much longer.

I've faked it into making it, and talking with my little family about my feelings of uselessness helps. I am trying to take a perspective that this is a vacation before continuing work, and that I should use this time to reset myself between jobs. A useful task!

I said I would set a goal- I'm giving another two months to the pursuit of my preferred employer. After that, I found a place to work (an inbound call center, basically). The pay isn't horrible, they have an on-site gym, but it's a commute. Not a long-term solution, but ya gotta eat and pay The Man.

I'm faking my way through healthy behaviors like organizing stale areas of the house, and making good food. I tried taking my half-PB sandwich on the patio this morning until a gnat flew right up my nose before I could finish my last bite. I had a nice meditation going on, and I enjoyed the patio time.

Working out is always a saving grace. The day of my meltdown, I hadn't done any focused physical activity in four days. Too long for my emotions but perfect for my body. I'm still making progress with my strength and flexibility overall, but recovery time is sometimes necessary for progress. (Like resetting the mind between jobs... hm, maybe I can apply a lesson here.)

These are the things that support my mental health, and I'm just now learning how to use these tools.

It feels like I'm just learning to walk.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017


Yesterday- gone. Check.

I'm embarrassed by what a bad mom I can be, but I did claw my way out and into something resembling a normal-looking day. 

I did get up, started to clean a pot to make oatmeal, and the dish soap dispenser wasn't working. When I opened it to access the soap, I dumped half the bottle in. That's when I lost it in front of The Kid and she tried to hug me. Twice. I could only excuse myself to sob in the bedroom. 

Would you believe she brought me tea? I sat there alone, sipping my daughter's loving gift, amazed at her ability to reach out, and berating my curse of anxiety. I decided to claw my way out, and at least get my ass in the same room and interact with her. 

Let me be clear- she didn't cause this episode. I checked my bank account and saw more spending over the weekend than I recalled. Then, using too much soap- wasting more money. when the anxiety hits, every little negative thing feels like the straw that will break my family's financial back. And it feels like I'm the sole cause of it. 

I did spend time with her. I left the bathroom, opened all the blinds, made the damn oatmeal and took each moment step-by-painful-step. I talked with her about anxiety and depression, and how to climb out if you ever find yourself blue or over-worrying. That amazing girl had some great insights and understanding. She said one of her teachers said that sometimes you have to "fake it until you make it," a saying which I always related to jazz. By evening, she was at her BFF's for a sleepover and I had found one job listing worthy of application. 

Today I can plan to breathe. The steps, whatever they might be, are still painful and raw. 

I need some goals to help me through this. Positive statements. My goal today will be to define my goal. 

My current goal of "get a job before my family dies of starvation" is not serving me well. My other current goal has also been "prove you are worthy of life by earning your keep" and that one is complete bullshit. 

Today- here. Check. 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017


I hope this is the worst of it. Perhaps if you're at the lowest, that's actually when you have the greatest amount of potential.

I used to think I had a lot of potential. As a child, I thought I could create and fulfill dreams. As I got closer to adulthood, I reached high and educated myself to see the dreams become reality through employment in my chosen profession. I continued my career path up and up until I exploded. I burned out two years ago.

I've seen myself in small, insignificant jobs since then that leave me unfulfilled and underpaid. I left my last job a couple weeks ago, and I'm on the hunt for a position back in my career path.

But I'm not doing well. I can't afford to be out of work, and I'm beating myself up for who I am now. Today began the markings of serious depression. I couldn't get out of bed, I can't make food, and worst of all- when my daughter hugged me, I turned my back and went stiff as a board.

THAT is a huge red flag, and one that spirals me further into darkness. How can I treat her so badly? I am terrible.

I'll take her to her best friends house later so that she can have a good day, and I can try to climb out of this hole. I'm not sure I should be alone, because the suicidal thoughts are with me.

I want to logic my way out of my head. I want to see the future and know that my presence is better than my absence. I feel like a drain on my family's finances, because I'm not contributing.


All I have to do is get through the day.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017


Apparently The Mother has not been able to reach me by phone for a couple weeks, and I was too busy to talk on Sunday. Whaaaa?

Since we had made a group phone call, I checked with The Husband to confirm my own memory, and we were indeed brushed off the phone that day. I spoke to her the Weds before, and again briefly the day before, Mother's Day.

I hate that holiday. Just reiterating.

Since this strange conversation came in by text today, I replied with facts as the incorrect statements came at me, then simply stopped replying. In the past, when she claimed she couldn't contact me, she has sent the Red Cross to my front door, and has twice called my office director several heads above me to complain about her daughter's lack of communication. In all instances I had not received a message on my work or home phone, no email, nada. Manipulation. At one point I called my grandmother (The Mother's Mother) to talk to her about the inappropriate behavior.

The last time I did have a full convo with The Mother, she wanted me to come spend time with her in FL after my job ends June 2nd. I won't go.

I wish I could be completely free. I have so many terrible memories. Why was she allowed to give me up so many times to other people throughout my childhood, but I'm not allowed to leave her? Last time I was given out, she signed my guardianship over to my high school band director.

I have some anger. And so I leave this writing to go work out, then make dinner for my tiny family of three.

I am grateful every day for us.

Monday, May 15, 2017

And So It Goals

I did make the appropriate phone call yesterday, and was quickly waved off. Bland response. Blah.

The Kid turns 16 this week. Mother's Day was important to her, and I made sure she knew how important she always is to me. All three of us made nachos and then she picked a movie for us to watch. She surprised me with a framed picture of our family. I can't wait to celebrate her special birthday.

Tony Robbins says that you get your "must haves" in life. You absolutely will attain what you believe you NEED. Most of anything, I believe my daughter must have a secure and balanced life. I'll give anything for it.

I must run again. The beginner workout program is going really well. The pain in my hip and pelvis completely recovers before each next session, and my range of motion is greater. Years of running without stability work put me here, so it makes sense that a run program would not recover me.

I must make it through the last three weeks of work. I've applied for a select handful of positions, and I'll ramp it up if I don't start getting callbacks. I don't want to apply for low hanging fruit without trying for the cherry on top.

Sunday, May 14, 2017


I am not a fan of many holidays. I spent all my teen years without my parents, and until I was 16, was raised in an environment where I constantly had to watch my back. Fear. Then I ran away.

Celebrating holidays especially like today just reminds me that I'm not all that grateful for the way I've been treated. I have a narcissistic parent in my life who was always abusive, and I'm supposed to act like I'm the perfect daughter by sending a gift and making that phone call. Shoot me.

I've put as much distance as possible in that relationship and any others that disrespect who I am. It's been a cleansing year, and I'm still cutting back. New friendships form where old, rotten ones were pulled. I'm digging out the roots of my anxiety.

I do love being a mom and having my own little family. It's so different from anything I knew. We don't have negativity here, we just work it out as we go. Bad things happen and we find better footing. Together.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Starting Gate

I complained about how little running I could do, but I've had to back off even more. My leg is not recovering after workouts like it needs to, for progression. I see my doctor next month for a general checkup, and if I had proper insurance, I would make a specific appointment now. He's a sports medicine specialist, and I was initially referred to him when I fractured my hip. I transferred to him entirely, but since I'm working part-time, I have no benefits and don't make much pay to afford another MRI out of pocket.

I think I have IT band issues at the moment, so I've switched to a 30-day beginner full body series. This is giving me 20 mins, every other day, range-of-motion activity. It is leaving me with no pain and helping my recovery immensely. These movements are what I'd be doing in PT, so I'm hoping to keep it small and progress slowly. I want to run again, and I am not permanently broken!

I am, however, getting fat. My workout shorts don't fit at all, and I look comical in them. My work wardrobe is slim pickings (haha) each morning because even my sleeves are too tight. Uh-oh.

Dieting sucks!

Monday, May 8, 2017

Through the Looking Glass

I have terrible social anxiety. Anxiety in general, but the social stuff is just the worst.

I definitely get myself out there, and anyone would tell you I'm outspoken and confident. It's possible in short busts, best in professional settings, and if you look closely enough, you'll see that I'm probably missing an earring or my shirt is inside out. Before and after social obligations, I tend to need rest and silence. If it's an impromptu moment, I might seek immediate escape. 

This is the one thing I wish I could change about who I am. I accept my circumstances as I've created them, my body as it is, but I hate Hate HATE the social anxiety. 

I attended my niece's wedding this weekend and now feel a sense of relief that the event has passed. I spent all day Sunday recovering, not from alcohol, but from the mental force I expended the day before. It's like holding a panic attack at a low simmer. Trying to cup water in your hands. Or catch sharks with an aquarium net. 

I've learned that events are best faced sober, and with an observer's eye. I take one moment at a time, in slow motion. If my breathing becomes shallow, I look for the color blue- or any cool color- and send long breaths into it. I got called out at a meeting one time for using this technique; a coworker said I looked like I wasn't paying attention. I'd actually had a panic attack when they closed the doors of that very small room where we were all crowded in. Thank goodness the carpet was blue. 

Sunday's recovering included French press coffee, cleaning the kitchen, lots of Netflix, and a lot of wine. Maybe 6 short glasses throughout the day and into the evening. That's a whole lot for me, but rather than the amount I'm drinking, I prefer to assess why I'm drinking. One glass for the wrong reason isn't worth it. Three glasses for the right reason is completely wonderful. 

I won't medicate my anxiety with prescription meds. I tried a few different types, and I didn't like the part of my personality that they all deadened. I'm snarky, I curse, I have a really dirty mind, and I love to laugh. But I'm also very loving and care deeply. If it doesn't come out in the ways that society needs it to, that's not my problem. 

One promise I make to myself, is that the recovery self-sabotage needs to change. The negative self-talk and self-medication needs self-love. 

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Lookin for...

The perfect white blouse
Belly laughs
Consistent sobriety
Cut calf muscles
Kisses under fireworks
Good friends

But really only one thing matters, and it already exists- she's happy.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017


What a crazy commute on the big, bad I-35 today. I had two heart attack inducing moments, but made it to work in one piece with time to spare.

I used my spare freedom to walk around the block of this gorgeous, antique neighborhood. It's humid and sticky outside, but I know that a good walk can do wonders for the soul.

Just as I turned the corner at the halfway point, a female runner crossed in front of me and took the course. Jealousy!! Lucky girl!!

I am lucky too. I enjoyed the shit out of my walk.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017


I was surprised that Monday's workout left me sore in all the wrong places. Since I'm pain free today, I can have another go at it- no increase in volume or intensity. Recommended frequency is 3x this week, with a rest day in between. If I can stay pain free, I can increase volume next week.

There's a 5k on May 7 that's free for me- I won the entry, and I hate to see that go to waste. My plan does not increase volume to that distance (such a meager distance!!), so I am curious how this will turn out. I'll either miss it, walk it, or run it in spite of recommendations.

Enough running talk. I even bore myself with my passions.

I'm anxious and antsy this evening, and would rather have a glass of wine than Gatorade.

Monday, April 24, 2017

The Greek Way

Running is an epic novel of progress and recovery. At best, it's a muted oratory that takes experience to hear and interpret. It can also be a screaming cry of glory or pain.

Today's plan: (1 min run/1 min walk) x 10. It seems such a little step.

My uncharted odyssey continues.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017


Sometimes I dread teaching my students. I even wish they would cancel lessons.

But the second I see those shiny faces, I'm hooked. There's nothing more important than kissing away a high F# on a Wednesday evening.

After all these years, I still need reminders of what I love.

What's in between? Selfishness. Busyness. Ego.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Drive Me to the Moon

My Girl drives.

I get in the passenger seat, and she behind the wheel. Away we go!

I'm over the moon for her.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Friday, July 10, 2015

I'm Not Your Steppin' Stone

Heading back to Texas. There are too many reasons for my early return which I won't detail, and are best buried in my garden to be transformed into a product of beauty. 

Rest, rejuvenation, and relaxation are in order. 

I now understand why I obsessively clean and organize my surroundings. Much gratitude for this somewhat painful insight. 

Dragonflies, lead me home!

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Visiting La Madre

Instead of sending J to FL for the summer so I can work full time, J and I are both visiting Mother for the summer. 

Getting out of my routine has been great. Since I tore my quad, I've been sofa bound, and I'm glad to have healed enough to be running again. A little. So little. Saturdays 5k put me back down for 3 days. Man, I really messed up my bod this time. 

I can't say that the visit is going that well, and I'd really hoped it would. Stupid hope. That emotion continues to sneer at me anytime I try to caress it. 

I don't want to go into details or speak negatively. Gratitude is always the best route, though it can be the most difficult path to find. I am glad that I have my own beautiful daughter and a strong footing there that does not falter. The painful lessons put upon me are absorbed and turned into a better experience for my daughter. In other words, shit grows pretty flowers. ;)

The absorption is a difficult process that involves my physical activities, tears, and alone time. There are many good things about me that come into sharp focus when I'm in less toxic surroundings. 

I am worthy of this life, and I will live it!

I do love it. 

Love is everywhere. 

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Life in Me

Sweet is the simple sugar that you gift yourself. 

No makeup required on the yoga mat. 

My backyard, full of surprises and consistency. 

Kale chips. New recipe with lower heat works so much better. 300 degrees for 10 minutes, rotates, 12 minutes more. 

Successful oven "chips". J referred me to Delia, but I'm more Julia. Never stop learning. 

Sunday, April 19, 2015


There you go, then. 


Present for The Kid. Every morning brings breakfast together at the dining table. We each have a placemat. I enjoy a cup of black coffee, and she gets whatever creation I muster. I make sure she has a neatly folded napkin and a little jelly jar of juice. God, I love this. 

The recipes I've studied for years, and some new ventures, have found their way to reality in my kitchen. I cook, clean, plant veggies, and exercise.

I'm living the best life I could ever ask for. 

I know deep down it's not forever sustainable. My finances are not unlimited. My daughter will seek her own best life. I may always have an adventurous craving deep in my bones for independence. Forever is not the point. 

Right now, right here, I'm the happiest I've ever been. Love. 

My friend Laura planted some of my Gramma's cannas. Now they live in Austin. My Gramma would think this is super cool. 

Another love. This is my sole nutrition during my runs. One every 45 minutes, but if I run over 3 hours, I start taking them every 30 mins. 

By then, I can barely do the math in my head. 

My running coach won the Cap10k. He's more than amazing, and I'm a better runner since I started with him a few months ago. I know this, I feel stronger, but I have a long way to go. 

I'm the slowest member of our group. I'm ok with that because I know how much I'm giving it. 

Pig and chicken have relocated yet again, but they are still in love. Time is relative. 

The first bluebonnet of the year. Hello, honey. 

Yes, it's a loaf of bread. Yes, it's weeping. 

No need to laugh, thank you. 

With The Man at a formal this weekend. He looks like he's sneaking up on me. 

Ugh, selfies. 

The Kid. :)

Saturday morning's run. Since we traveled to Grapevine (near Ft. Worth) for the formal, I thought I'd get in an interesting long run. The forecast had promised a chilly start, so I added a couple hours sleep to my plan and headed out well rested. 

At least I'm experienced enough to apply sunscreen in spite of predictions. As soon as I saw the bright, sunny skies, I knew this would be no brisk trot. I immediately ventured off my prepared intricately detailed, hand-written map within the first quarter mile. My new plan suddenly became, follow the sidewalk for half my water supply and then turn back. 

Along the way, I found a trailhead off the road with a water fountain, so I took a break to hydrate and rest. The trail was paved and an elderly couple passed by. Perfect. New plan, follow trail for half my water supply and then turn back. 

Finally, the trail came out of the woods and I had to decide whether to continue along the sunny pavement, or go ahead and turn. I let my ego push me forward. Two ladies wearing too much perfume pushed on ahead of me with terrible running form; I sure as hell wasn't going to quit. Hot sun. Eyes sting with sweat. 

I looked up, and this beautiful lake arose in my view. To my left, a couple of men were getting out of their car and into wheelchairs. I felt embarrassed that I could run. I wished I was doing worse, or better, or whatever would help them somehow. An empty dock beckoned, and I ran hard. 

Love. Breathe. Sweat. 

I am here. 

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

In Good Time

I gave notice at my job. 

I've climbed as high as I can go here, complete with the suite and a view of the UT tower and stadium. How lovely. 

These come at a price. Though I can see the weather, I don't have time to step outside for a breath. My commute is dreadful. I won't go on. 

I'm choosing to rely on the other man for financial security for awhile, as opposed to The Man. I have some projects up my sleeve that can provide additional compensation, but my primary duties for the next few years will be home-based. 

I love my girl, and I'll never regret being present for her high school years. She is happy with the upcoming changes. 

It's all for her, and it always has been. 

March 27 sounds like a mighty fine day. 

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Ridiculously Long Running Report

I've been dreading this race. Terribly. I'm not so typically affected.

Since I got my coach I've been working harder on the sport that brings out my deepest fears/abandonment issues. Let's do it and not discuss further. 

Let me back up. I got a coach for a reason. Goal setting. Accountability. 

I think I need these things because I start strong in races, then at some point I realize it's so freaking hard and there's still some distance to go. 

My coach fixed this. My ass is whipped into shape. Today's half marathon taught me that.  

I still have a lot of work to do so that I can be "fast". For example, my friend won the half marathon. And I'm the slowest one in my training group. Nobody makes me feel bad about myself, and I just pretend to keep up. This must be working, because I am stronger. 

So what happened today? Do you remember the post from a few years ago where I was sitting in my car post race and being all hysterical? Yeah, today was the same course. My fourth time here. 

I warm up hard so the pack start would feel easy. We take off at sputtering paces, sometimes too fast, and sometimes halting to a walk. We jockey for positions on the single track trail. Mile 1 passes and I score my first twisted ankle. Ladies start taking Gu and it slows them down. I wait on mine and take the pass. Mile 2 twisting that ankle and wondering what the rules are for dropping to the 10k. I get a side stitch. Breathe. Run in a way that my legs move but my upper body doesn't. Squash the stitch. Awesome. Go. Run. My coach appears out of nowhere, calls my name and tells me to pace myself. 

I wrench my ankle hard. I cry out and my glorious pain echos through the Smithville, TX spicy pine tree forest. The potato shaped rocks bounce the sharp sound back at me as fiercely as my nerves shatter. I hang onto a sapling as I force air into my lungs. Jog. More. Go. Run. Nobody's here to carry me out and I'm no quitter. On this terrain, every 3 miles equals 43 minutes if I try really hard. 

I trip over a root or a group or rocks, or both. Land like a frog fingers down, palms high, booty in the air. Cool, no damage. Jog. More. Go. Run. Shake out the neck and shoulders. Whiplash.

Dance on the rocks. Think of people I love. Only positive thoughts. 

Please God, help me feel your presence. I don't doubt you're there. I just need help feeling you. I can't do this alone. 

Last fall, face plant into a clump of dried grasses. A soft landing!! That prayer worked. 

I think I may be the dragonfly. 

It's me. 

The rest comes in time. 

At the finish, a bunch of people are there cheering me on. I try to step aside and gather my thoughts, but I guess friends don't let you do that. Now I realize I wasn't running alone. 

It's so easy to give love, but I have to learn to receive it. 

In time. 

Monday, February 16, 2015

Professional Help

I finally got it. Advice from a pro. No, I'm not mental enough to get a head shrink. ;) I signed up with a running coach, and I'm getting whipped into shape. 

I didn't hit my time target for Houston, and I have plenty of reasons with even more excuses. Now that I'm on this training plan, I can see that I really wasn't putting in the time or effort that it takes to reach those goals. But man, it's hard. 

I don't write here much, with the availability of Facebook and the lack of desire for anonymity. There aren't any secrets left. 

Life has settled into the routine I'd hoped for, and now I watch time float by and my daughter earn her own life experiences. At 14, she is still so sweet that her openness stuns me at times. 

I can't hope to capture these days, but only to love them. 

Don't take it too seriously ;)

Monday, November 10, 2014

Monday, October 27, 2014

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

It Was That Simple

There you go, then. 

I have a goal. I reach them once I set them. Commitment doesn't come easy. 

I love my financial security, but it was never my dream to sit behind a desk. I love my big fat office with a view of the downtown museums, but I can't be chained to the window blinds. 

J is with me for a minimum of four more years. I have an opportunity of a lifetime, and it had nothing to do with money. 

I thought I wanted to play with the big digs, but they howl a song I've heard before. 

I'm going after this dream with as much passion as I went after my career. 

She's worth it. 

So am I. 

Friday, October 17, 2014

Hills and More Hills

Damn this had been a tough few weeks. 

My attitude sucks. I'm dressed for a run sitting in the lobby at the gym, ready to hit the downtown streets. 

Frowny face girl, you were happy once upon a time. 

I feel like the traffic-stuffed streets do. Overwhelmed, indifferent, an aging network of patched repairs. 

I'm sorry to disappoint you.