Love is Here

Day 4

Hello, world!  I can't believe how great I feel.  I haven't been so unbloated in I-can't-remember-how-long.

My skin isn't as red and blotchy as usual.  My weight hasn't changed since yesterday, but I feel very fit and energetic.  I'm not in it for the weight loss.  I want to kickstart my way back into fitness, back into athletic.

I'm not juicing to the extreme; I did have a big plate of roasted veggies last night, along with a side of steamed broccoli and cabbage.  I also had a fresh salad with a smashed avocado used as the dressing. You'd think my gut would be in great distress from all the veg!  From Day 1, I've expected digestive turmoil, but I haven't had a single issue.

My only complaint has been a backache that runs from my lower back up through my neck.  I don't typically have back problems, and my workouts are so minimal that I call them "activity phases".  There's no reason for my back to hurt.  If I were to believe anything I've been reading about detox, I'd have to attribute my backache to that process.  Supposedly, my body is healing itself and withdrawing from the remnants of all the bad stuff I've dumped in it. 

How long will I go?  I still don't know.  Until I get bored with juice and veggies.  I'm not yet. 

Hey! A parade is outside! Gotta go see. There are benefits to working downtown.

Day 3

Juice fasting has been quite an adventure!  Yesterday was tougher than the first day, but today is feeling pretty darn great.

My skin looks really good, a comment you've never heard from me.  I also feel unbelievably sedate.  Of course, I've lost weight as any fast will do, a total of four pounds.  I'm sure that's temporary, but I can't quite figure the mechanism.  I can't say it's water loss since I'm dinking so much fluid.

I am cheating a bit every night with some steamed produce.  I can't get past the idea of juicing broccoli and cabbage, and I didn't want to be quite so extreme.  Last night's dinner was steamed asparagus and broccoli.  The rest of the day I juice fruits and veggies, and I had a nice little V-8 concoction before bed as well.

I have to carry all that liquid to work.  It's heavy and I can smell the garlic in the V-8.  Soon my coworkers will smell it too ;)

How long will I go?  As long as I feel good and have positive results.  I think eating in the evenings is key for me.  I like that topped off full feeling, and I think I can cleanse and have my fiber too.

All things in moderation.

This week, I get to run/walk for fifteen minutes.

Here I Am

Back at my runners meeting, and I really don't belong. 

Someday I will. 

Whatever I choose, I can. 

Oh!!!

That's a spicy hot V-8. 

I thought it was plain, regular tomato juice. 

Wowza. 

Wednesday

Some days, I just need a hug. 

If that makes me needy, then at least spell it with a capital "N".

Goodbye Mrs. C

I've been reading the latest Julia Child biography, Dearie, and finally finished late last night. I'd been drawing out the last chapter, hesitating to see it to the finish. 

I thought my delay had everything to do with my complete enjoyment of the book. It had been a full experience for me. As Julia traveled to various places, I looked those locations up online. When she struggled with her baguette recipe, I studied baguettes on the side and even bought one. I watched her cooking videos online and priced her various cookbooks. 

So I thought I just didn't want a great book to end, but the truth hit me as I read about her death. I quietly put the book down and allowed a moment. Except I didn't feel so dignified and in fact, cried like a big damn baby. 

Goodbye, brilliant and independent woman. You knew how to love. 

Yoga Me

Today I was assigned more remnants from that project we completed. What??? More tiny numbers???  I put in my headphones, found my happy place, and earned my paycheck. I focused on the now, and things just ain't so bad. 

I kept my eye on the clock because my yoga teacher and I had been emailing, and I knew she would be teaching across the street at noon. I didn't plan toattend class  because I did too much activity on Saturday and my hip is still screaming at me.  Plus, this work project is back on, and I can't take lunch away from my desk just yet. 

My teacher certification is right on track. My guru/teacher (can I just call her E?) allowed me to choose my own advisor for the remainder of the trek. She also made it clear that this option isn't typically offered. In the end, I did not choose her. I have studied with her for years, and hear that familiar voice guide many of my daily decisions. I chose the alternative because it was the uncomfortable path. 

A few minutes before her class, I picked up lunch in the cafeteria of the state building where she teaches. I found out from the security guard that I was an hour early. Duh, girl, how many times have you attended this very class?  It has been too long. 

I took my lunch back to my desk, ate, answered faux-urgent emails and took angry phone calls until the appropriate time. Eventually, I was able to walk across the street, prep the chair arrangements, set the lights, and adjust the blinds to E's  likings. I greeted a couple students as they came in. She looked so happy to see me!  She was taken aback when she saw that the room was prepped just so, and I stood up from a chair and gave her a giant hug. We were wearing the same color. She kept looking deep into my eyes. I gave her all the softness and honesty I have. I gave her my time. 

My decisions are right on.  Over the years I watch this life path of mine, but I'm ready to give it some active input. Sometimes I have no control over events that influence my life; sometimes I stand up for my voice. My career, I hope, is validated in health and fitness. 

I think I have much to give. 

Real Me

We finally concluded a huge project at work. In addition to that project, I have my usual work duties. I have been stressed!! To the max!

Today, work lurched to a major slow-down. What did I used to do before all those tiny numbers? The transition back to normal felt weird. I filed my nails. I walked across the street for a fabulous meal, but brought it back to my desk out of habit. 

Tomorrow I dine out like the other worker bees. 

This is a time of transitions. Career, relationships, my daughter leaving for the summer, and I even see changes in the mirror. Grey hairs wave hello, and the skin under my chin and on my hands looks more experienced.  I am learning new cooking techniques. I barely know myself, and can hardly expect my long distance friends to keep up!

I am enjoying these changes, and as I have matured in just the last few years, I actually enjoy getting to know me. I've heard old people talk about this phenomenon, but I thought they were just senile. ;)

I'm going to celebrate my lessons with that dragonfly tattoo next week. Finally. I was waiting for something great to happen, something significant. I didn't expect that it would be within me. 

I am here. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Poached eggs en baguette, made possible by watching the second episode of The French Chef with Julia Child!)

Kitchen Heaven

The Music in Me

I created a new Pandora station; I simply typed, "Satie".  Only his music exactly expresses my thoughts. 

Oh, Satie, you are like onion soup. 

A few notes of the next song, and I didn't even need to look at my screen. I closed my eyes. 

Hello, Chopin. I am your lover. George Sand knows. 

I Like How The Beatles Played It

Complicated, busy lives.  I don't control anyone else's behavior. 

I control me (most of the time!) and I have very strong influence over my daughter. 

Let the rest be. 

Wisdom

From Mrs. Meyer:

If you are unhappy, perhaps you should look at whether you are selfish. 

Flying High

Me, myself, and I flying high. No PT person in my little home gym, nobody around to see my glory.  My first step off the start line, training again. 

Running. 

Alone. 

Free. 

In the Running

Ten minutes. Yeah, buddy. I ran and sweated and smiled through my breathlessness. 

Progress at PT. 

Next to me, a girl in pain complained and whined with a sour face about the heaviness of her arm weights. Her trainer successfully encouraged her through multiple sets. Trust, girl. They won't make you do more than your body can handle. Give intelligent feedback so you and your therapist can be a team.  Best wishes. 

Ten minutes flew by like the dragonfly I am. 

My Love Grows

Blessings

Sometimes they hide, but I have faith that they exist. 

Hope persists. 

I'm surprised. 

The decisions I made, the ones I'm waiting to see realized, must be right. 

Count On It

Counting down 8 weeks left of PT.  I am exercising patience and self control. 

Counting my little girl's 12th birthday, which is actually a four-day affair. More importantly, she knows she is loved!

Counting the months until I leave my desk job for a challenging move into fitness. 

I hope, every day. 

Like Peter Pan

My PT let me "trot" on the treadmill for 30 seconds yesterday. I was thrilled!!

It wasn't enough to get out of breath.My feet were light as a feather due to the antigravity harness. Just as I began to wonder if I needed to begin a breathing pattern, the ride was over. Back to walking for the remainder of the ten minutes. 

Thank you, body, for healing. 

She is Love

She's leaving on a jet plane.  By herself.  What have I allowed?  She is excited and scared to go see her aunt and gramma in FL.  She'll see her first school and her yellow house in St. Pete.  She'll visit the museums where I used to go to Arts Council meetings.  She'll be gone for seven weeks.

I love that she has this opportunity.

I love that I paid for it in cashola, directly from my account. 

I don't love take-offs and landings and everything in between.  Strangers looking at her. 

Please, please keep her safe.  Please bring her back home to her mama. 

By the time she is back, I will be a runner again.  I will be a yogini.  I will be nothing and everything, just as I am now.  All I really want in this life is to give and receive pure, happy love.

Hi :)

Approval all Around

I earned myself a huge discount on my yoga training.  Over the last couple years, I've been working with the Texas Yoga Retreat and the Living Yoga Program as a work study.  Now I get to cash in those hours to finish the biggest chunk of my yoga teacher certification.

I'll be staying at an ashram for ten days.  Wow. 

My pie-in-the-sky, don't-you-dare-dream-too-big wish is to teach yoga and live near a beach and have time to play my flute.  Once upon a time, I did live near a beach.  Once upon a time, I had a career in music.  The problem back then was me.  I used to fight with myself.

The Big Dogs have said that the dates work with their schedule. Dreams can be a reality.  My decisions make them happen.

Is that hope I hear?

Aren't I supposed to be pouting about my hip?  I just don't feel that way...  Running will come back to me in due time.

Shhhh

I don't have much to say.  I'm working hard at being healthy and tracking my nutrition closely.  I've gained a few pounds since I stopped running. 

My physical therapist allows no more than 3 minutes at a time on the elliptical.  What a joke. 

I have been relearning what running means to me.  What it did mean.  What my relationships mean.  I still think that this forced break (fracture haha) is a good thing in the long run.

Would it surprise you if it turned out that I do need people? I'm not a solo act after all.

Moving On

Yoga training dates: July 19-28

Pilates training dates: October 4-6 and November 1-3

San Antonio Rock 'n Roll marathon: November 17

Last date working for Big Brother: Jan 3, 2014

Setting and reaching goals:  EVERY DAY

Hangin Healthy

Not running is not easy. I miss it terribly.

The MRI showed that I have a fractured hip and psoas tendinitis. The trail shoes will rest for 12 weeks.

Moderation has been mine this week in all sense of the word. Balance has been good and steady.

J is considering another 5k this Sunday and wants to join the trail running group I belong to.

She loves her mommy. What more can I ask?

Nothing at all.

Tuesday New Day

I did it. I broke the seven day binge.

I didn't work out and I didn't drink. I didn't overeat.

I did sit on my patio and watched my kid play in her treehouse. We attempted to set up a swimming pool. I planted a couple bell pepper plant. I did one load of laundry. I cooked turkey burgers. I scooped out the bottom of my closet a little. I drank a lot of water.

I talked on the phone to someone I cherish. I said how hard this was. We talked about nonsense things too.

All things in moderation.

Today I can breathe.

I talked to my doc office this morning and got the results of the MRI. I'm sad but will not destroy the little bit of success I found.

Breathing.

Healthy Thoughts

Monday Work Day

The only thing that ever works is for me to get sick of my own behaviour.  I've been a pouty mess this week.  Every night, too much alcohol.  7 days of drowning my misery.

Enough, enough, enough.  This weekend, I did have beautiful days.  I screwed up at the last minute.  I managed to prove that even the most perfect days can end with self destruction.

I realized this morning that I've had this pattern for some time: work out or drink.  Maybe what has happened is a good thing.  Without the workout, I see my weakness.  I don't want to be like this.  Running, tennis, yoga, can't be my crutch.  I want to be healthy.  Strong.  Somewhat insensitive.

My MRI will be interpreted in a couple days.  Tonight I'll find a way to safely workout because I need it.  Tomorrow I will neither workout nor drink.  Wednesday I'll face whatever reality awaits. 

So what.  We move forward.  Don't take it so hard.

Lonely girl, it's okay to feel lonely.  Things happen and there won't always be somebody there to hold you through it. 

The important thing to know is NOT that you don't need it, but that it will be there in its own time.  TRUST.

Hear Me

Vehemently.

I love this word. I feel this way. Full of displaced, angry energy.

If cycling and elliptical are okay with the doc, surely kickboxing would be just fine.

I found out this week that L.O.'s are happening again. Would you believe I don't care? I want a career in fitness, and regardless of L.O.'s and hipjoints, I can make if happen. Hello, Pilates and Yoga. I've thought about this for a very long time.

Testing happens again next week. Ugh. Pit the big digs against the little dogs. I'll give my most earnest efforts. Add a deadline here and an upper-level panicked coordinator there. I know this is vague, but I feel better getting it out.

It's not out yet. Tomorrow I will bury my hip thoughts with the butterfly bushes (that's what I call them). I bury my job with the crepe myrtles- hardy suckers! I bury my lonely thoughts with the soft, mounding lobelia.

Ha- I just found this about lobelia- English names include lobelia, asthma weed, barfweed, Indian tobacco, heaveleaf, pukeweed, retchwort, fool's bane, and vomitwort.

Thursday Day

C's interview went very well, and our little family enjoyed a nice dinner off the healthy menu at the local steakhouse.  I had a $5 coupon, so we splurged on some fattening appetizers.  J liked the potato skins and chicken tenders, a rare treat for her- fried things!

The interviewers followed up with him twice yesterday, fill out this form and again to let him know they'll be in contact soon.  He's great with people.  I'm proud of the way he's using his talents.

I went to get my hip checked by a sports medicine doc yesterday and got some sad news.  The long term implications are that my left hip joint wasn't born with enough space in it, and that the joint was also blessed with a bone spur.  I'll go for an MRI on Friday to see how this has affected the cushy cartilage.

The very big deal is that distance running isn't a good idea for me because they can't fix the space issue.  Even if the cartilage is fine now, it was made very clear to me that my high impact sport is not recommended for the structure we looked at on the x-ray.  My right side looked lovely.

Everyone wants me to look at the bright side.  Nevermind the fact that I've already gained five pounds in the last month by trying to rehab the hip on my own and reducing mileage and training.  Nevermind that I rely heavily on running to stay one step ahead of depression.  I'm out for three weeks minimum, and nobody seems to understand how painful that is for me. 

Self destruct in 3 - 2 - 1...

Please don't tell me that cross-training is equivalent.  Tennis is also banned and I hate swimming with a vehement passion.  Elliptical may be a possibility; perhaps I can set up a machine at a trailhead so I can feel free again.  I don't want to change.

I want my run.

I want sobriety.

I want to breathe.

My feelings are only heard in this unreal ether.

Sleeves and Collars

C has a very big deal interview today.  This evening, J and I will celebrate his attempt at success with a nice dinner out.  Trying isn't easy.

I tweaked his resume last night and ironed his shirt this morning.  Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, I ironed his shirts.  I loved doing it.  Ironing was not only an art form, but an expression of my support and the love I felt for my new husband.  I appreciated how hard he worked for his family.

As I stood over the ironing board, tugging and pressing a seam here, searing my work into place there, I remembered my young hopes.  They seem distant and not unlike an old faded shirt.  Someday I will not iron anymore, for whatever reason.

If you rub the starch into the fabric before you place the iron, you don't end up with white flakes.  Slow and steady wins the perfect collar.  Press it inside and out, then folded.

The perfect crispness of a garment is temporary.  As soon as you lean into it, it is gone.

Boston 2013

A moment for the Fallen, who will never rise here again.

A moment for the Wounded, who will live in bodies forever changed.

A moment for the Runners, suddenly scared, turning recreational sport into fear based flight.

A moment for the Helpers, leaping fences and making decisions for the masses in need.

A moment for the Faithful who thought, whispered, or cried aloud their prayers.

A moment for the Parents, who carefully explained the unexplainable to their innocent children.

A moment for the Perpetrator of violence, who has lived far from truth and love.

RUN FREE

Trying New Things

Surprise!  Nonfat Greek yogurt mixed with Cheerios is not closely related to my usual yogurt mixed with Cheerios.  I wondered if my new, healthier choice has turned sour in the fridge, but I just bought it.  I did a little internet research and found that nonfat Greek yogurt is actually like sour cream, and not really a replacement for the sweet stuff.

Also new to my little world, flowers are rocking the veggie garden.  Marigolds, verbena, geraniums, blue plumbago, and some white flower I don't know the name of but I call it fairy dust, will make my garden more alive with bees and butterflies.  I already feel more alive.

Finally, I have decided to go ahead and wrap up those yoga classes this July and top those off with a Pilates teacher certification in October.  This decision is right for me; I can feel it in my bones.