Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A Prayer

Nothing ever happened last weekend with my family.  No one did anything at all.  I had forwarded the "cry for help" emails that had been sent to me from the family who obviously needs help, and also the "don't you dare come here" email I'd received when I did offer to bring my family to come visit theirs for a day.  In that last email I had suggested a day of movies, or hotdogs in the park, whatever, it was so benign, but in response they did an about-face from asking me to take custody of the kids to telling me I wasn't welcome to visit. So I forwarded all those emails to the elders and asked for guidance and assistance.  I didn't know what to do.

After forwarding, I got a reply that the elders are glad I'm here to help if needed and the email contents would be reviewed.  The next day I get some forwarded email jokes from the elders.  Odd, and no mention of plans to go see WTF is going on with this family.

Weekend comes, and they know I'm waiting by the phone.  No word at all, and I don't want to be pushy and alarmist so I find more patience and wait.  I don't call them yet  WTF??

Here we are into the next week, and I'm pretty worried about the kiddos in that house.  As each day passes, I'm more tempted to call CPS myself because no one else seems to give a shit.  Do I wait for my mom to get here and go with her?  She thinks I should give the family fair warning and go myself, but you never know how cornered people will react.  I don't want to put myself into a dangerous situation, and maybe the situation isn't even dangerous.

The problem is, I just don't know.

Once again I feel pretty abandoned by my family.  This family that supposedly took care of me the numerous times my mom gave me up, and these elders, some of whom thought it was fun to give me drugs when I was a baby.  That's bad, but even worse stuff was done to me in those very early years, secrets that are only recently coming out of the woodwork.  It makes me sick that I've searched for answers within myself for so many years.  I love/hate this family, and I just want to help two little girls who are exposed to one of these people who hurt me when I was their age.  Maybe people change, but why did I get these email cries for help from the little girls' parents last week???  Why did they reach out to me?  Because they knew what they did.

CPS can be disgusting too.  I feel like this situation is bigger than me, and I do need guidance from my family because they know all the parties involved.  Then again, they know how to sweep things under the rug. 

Lord, help me with this one.  I try to only ask that I understand the lessons You give, but I need more this time.  I don't know who to trust, and I don't really even know what to ask for.