Friday, March 18, 2011

Realness

I'm going to work on self-identification.  I am not my body, and it's not right to identify with it so strongly.  There are more important things in this life. 

Every morning, well practically every morning, I wake up, carefully choose what to wear, and apply makeup.  When I exercise, part of me knows it makes my body look better.  These things just can't matter too deeply.  Yes, I have to navigate the world among society's expectations, but let's get a little more real here.

I want to exercise for the accomplishment and release I feel.  I love the runner's high and the yogi's acceptance of all.  Let's enjoy what we can while it lasts but not cling so severely.  Maybe someday me, my stiff knees, and my walker will be glad that I had the right perspective all along.  The perspective that lets me look outwards towards...

My family, who loves me aside from the makeup and gardening in a baseball cap in the yoga clothes that are too ratty to wear to class.  The ones that have purple splashed on the leg from when I painted J's room. 

I hope I live to a ripe old, pruny age, and that I never look back and think that I should have spent more time enjoying rather than hiding.  Tara Brach asked this morning (in a repeat online lecture) what I'm so afraid for people to see, and what I really want them to see.

I don't want you to know that I'm shut down, blocked off, completely unloveable.  And I do want you to know how much I deeply, deeply love you.

Then she asked how I can let people see both those things, congruently.

That's a little harder.  My solution throughout life has been that I can only love people from afar.

I even feel this somewhat with my own kiddo, though I'm shocked at how easy it is to squelch my feelings and let her stay and stay and stay, long after I feel the welcome has thinned.  And even then I come up with ideas to play with her more because my mama instict is so much bigger than my ego.  I'm so blessed to have her. 

This is where my true self begins.