Friday, April 22, 2011

Giving Thanks

I suppose I shouldn't express my doubts regarding the timing per the advice below, but I did plant my pumpkins yesterday. 

I also plopped in some surprise  asparagus beans that I found while cleaning the garden.  I thought we'd dried all that was left for chili, but plants are hearty creatures and decided to leave long dried pods for me to find like Easter eggs along the foundation of the house.  This heirloom variety has a new home on the other side of the garden this season.  I found so many that I have enough to send some along to Greg and Val. 

Tomorrow I'll visit my gramma's garden and extended family in Blanco.  J has been very sensitive to the event and tears up when she discusses the trip.  She looks forward to going, but neither of us have visited since gramma passed.  I have a tornado of feelings myself, so many memories and I don't know whether there are more good or bad.  I fought so hard to leave that place, and throughout the years my visits have been forced, always with C as a buffer.  Tomorrow it's just J and me.  Raw.  I suppose it's time.

Sometimes I dream that I'm still trying to escape.  Earlier this week I dreamt that I was driving back and it was like my car was in molasses (or maybe was I walking?) and everywhere I looked, there were signs that things were wrong.  The dream felt evil, animals were doing disgusting things, the road was painful, the people I saw were doing horrible and torturous things to each other.  I used to live that dream, but it's not my reality anymore.  It took me a long time and many, many lessons to learn that I'm not the person they said I was.  I really only fear the ugly, archived memories that sometimes hit me out of the blue.

I'll also see the people who couldn't be bothered to intervene with the kids that needed (and finally got) CPS help (no thanks to them), and I don't see how I can sit there and pretend that's okay.  It's not.

I want to take a lot of pictures because I don't want to forget.  That place is a part of my daughter's good memories and she loved her grandparents very much.  They loved her with their fullest hearts too.   I love that purity. 

Thank you for that closure.