Thursday, April 28, 2011

Nonsensical Babble

Soooo busy!  I don't hate it.

My psyche is still recovering from Saturday.  I wish the weird dreams would stop.  That time in my life was so painful that I still feel buried memories that I won't allow to surface.  Is this okay?  Do I need to revisit them to get over it, or can I just build a new city on top?  This week I'm waiting for the numbness to thaw so I can just get on with my life.

I realized this morning as I drove in to work that my extended family brought their cameras, but when they found out that their own precious kiddos who were expected to arrive wouldn't be able to make it, they packed the camera bags away without a single click.  Not a single shot of J even.  I snapped away at everyone else, but I can only think that they really are that self-absorbed and just don't care.  I guess I have to get over this too.  I actually thought they cared somewhat, and this is new information to me.

My uncle living on the property was a lot of fun to visit.  I'm truly, honestly glad we spent time together.  His son -my cousin- was super-cool too, and such a grown-up gentleman with amazing manners.  We have the same exact eyes and that makes me smile.  I'm trying to hold those memories because good memories are much larger and denser than the bad.  So even with fewer, you can have much more.

So you can probably see that I'm still a bit of a mess and quite scattered from the weekend.  C's family was awesome and even cooked a very special Easter recipe just for me.  That went a long way towards healing, especially because they didn't really know the extent of their good deed.

I need to do something healing for myself, something safe feeling.  A workout would be good for the choking feeling.  Gardening would be good to reconnect to the truth and honest love I know resides in every heart. 
Connecting with/ helping others would help me stop feeling so damn sorry for my stupid past. 

Get out of your head, girl!!!