Monday, May 16, 2011

She's Not Heavy, She's My Heart

Down from seven sticky notes to just one this morning.  Last week was freaking crazy.

The wonderful, beautiful child turns 10 this week.  She fell asleep in my arms last night, before I could even sing her songs.  I loved how her wavy hair danced down my arm and smelled like fruity bubble gum.  Sometimes I'm stunned silent by the depth of my love for her.  There is nothing more pure.

All she can think about is her slumber party.  This year, we're turning the house into a French pink and purple hotel.  J got the idea from her AG magazines.  The guests, arriving in their pajamas, will cascade down a trail of rose petals to the sign-in area, then will be escorted upstairs to a purple and pink lobby and guestrooms.  The dinner menu includes spaghetti, French bread, cake and ice cream.  Then they'll giggle, watch movies, and play spa.  They'll wake up to chocolate chip pancakes, fruit and eggs. Finally everyone can clean themselves up and go home (and I can nap).  Sounds easy enough and I can do it on the cheap.

For her parent gift, C and I taking her out to eat at I-Hop, then to a salon for a haircut, and I'd like to get her an upgraded iPod.   Right now she has the Shuffle, but we might be able to do a little better.   She not quite ready for jewelry.  We've tried that several times and it ends up on the floor in her room (if we're lucky), broken, or lost.  One material gift, one night out with the parents, and one good party with her friends.  Is that too spoiled?  Is it enough?  It feels balanced to me.

LO's will be announced this week and next, but not in my area.  It's stressful, but less so since C scored the salary position starting in June.  Better yet, it's a second-level management position with actual career possibilities.  I'm proud of him lately.  One talent that man has- DETERMINATION.  He could have rolled over and given up- my demands are strict and I don't waver.  He could have walked away- I made it easy and even desirable to do so.  Instead, he kept bouncing back as a stronger, wiser version of himself.  Booyah.  The business is still running, and doing better than ever, with his brother's collaboration.  A man emerges.

My mom arrives to sweep J away on Memorial Day.  I've requested the following two days off to be sad.  As if that will be enough time to process the change.  I can't talk about this yet.  Ten weeks of no J.  What is left?  Who is inside here?  What was joyful before?  What did I used to do?  I worked out (a lot).  I played my flute.  I guess I have hobbies, but none of those things are J.  I've been thinking about my running goals again, and the race in SA in November.  I'm well-conditioned but I could put some time in for actual planned training again.  I could sew some of the clothes I have ideas about.  I see that there's actually a lot to fill my time, but my heart feels so heavy. 

I don't think I can run with all that weight and I'm sure it would bog down my sewing machine.