Thursday, June 30, 2011

My Own Air

I dreamt the other night that I was walking around my backyard, surprised by all these random spears of asparagus that were popping up everywhere.  I was happily shocked that the one root I planted a couple years ago, and which is now ferning beautifully, had spread into a monster root under my carpet grass.

My garden is blooming nicely.  Tomatoes of all different kinds greet me everyday and mingle with summer squash, herbs, and eggplants.  I've fallen in love with olive oil.  I'm tempted to wear basil as perfume.  Goodbye, "So Pink" from the Gap and "Happy" from Clinique.

I've delved into Italian cooking and even tried my hand at sushi with brown rice last week.  Some things are more successful than others.  Last night's garden pizza tasted fantastic but left me with hours of heartburn which is a very, very rare problem for me.  Maybe it was the Michael Jackson special I was watching while I ate it??  Surprisingly, he was actually an incredibly talented musician.  I never gave him credit for that...

J is still gone.  I can't talk about that much.  Bottle it up baby, swallow it like a Tums.

LO's are the week after next.  No more paychecks after tomorrow?  They know who's staying and who's going; I wish they would just spill it already.  For all I care, you can post your list on the front doors and I'll sign my acceptance either way.  Not knowing is tough.  I want to get on with my life.

I haven't visited my yoga mat in over a month now.  I went out on a limb and cancelled my attendance to the yoga retreat where I'd get my certification for free.  My teacher understood and offered me a place in the January or even next July retreat.  I am more than grateful.  I am not in a place to learn.

Aside from yoga, I'm into exercising either, and it's always a warning signal that I'm off balance.  I can hold steady for a little while longer but things need to change.  My yoga teacher says this tendency is "living in my head".  I'm a bit disconnected from my body, not breathing deeply and taking time to feel my hands or appreciate my good health.  I think it's a good sign that I've started cooking in the last couple weeks though.  I feel like that's all I can manage.

I have a four-day weekend, so maybe I'll try.  Maybe not.  With C working so much (thank goodness, and I appreciate his hard work), I feel kind of stuck, frozen, immobilized internally when I'm home alone for days on end. 

Maybe that's just my excuse.  Part of me thinks there could be more to me than my job, my kiddo, and C.

Unfortunately, I have to be motivated enough to find it on my own.