Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Alive

I'll sprint past my usual step-by-step synopsis and just say that it was an amazing experience.  I saw weird things, happy things, and sad things.  I learned a lot about myself and my city.  I ran the entire half marathon and somewhere along the way that day, realized I wasn't a quitter. 

I've held this "quitter" label all my life.  I go after things I want with passion and unstoppable force and ALWAYS achieve, but it's driven by this fear that deep inside I don't actually deserve it.  I have so many moments when I feel like I'm causing more mess for everyone than I'm worth, and my internal belief is that it's best if I just go away, leave, quit. 

Why is running giving me self-worth?  I had a tough time starting this sport, craving the judgement of an audience clapping (or gasping in horror at a cracked note), desiring the points earned from an aced shot off the sweet spot in my tennis racket.  There's something about the lack of feedback, that it's only me pushing myself to keep going... and not quit.  No one else really cares if I keep going or if I walk.  Yet I'm finding the strength and the will to run.

To live.

Dragonfly, you knew all along.