Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Just One Morning

You know I hate stopping for gas.  I always get nervous that my card won't go through and I'll have a public humiliation moment.

Since the credit card was cloned this summer, I make sure I walk my card in to the cashier.  This increases the possibility of the public humilitaion moment.

I really wanted to have enough gas to get to work this morning.  I didn't want to stand in the dark, chilly air pumping smelly fluid and face possible public humiliation.  You know that I used to have panic attacks about this.

Age has some benefits.  I've found my own ways to be brave.  I know that even when the blues sing their songs, they have a specific cause that are a result of my choices. 

This morning, I focused on my confidence in my bank balance, started my car and drove to the gas station.  Once there, I parked my car on the correct side of the pump and placed my keys and credit card within easy reach.  I popped open the gas tank and NOT the trunk.  Good job! 

I pressed buttons on the gas pump and a human voice talked to me.  I think it was, because the pattern wasn't automatedly perfect and sounded Southern enough.  So I talked back to the pump and thanked it.  I hope other people do this and I was not having a public humiliation moment.

I went inside to pay (like a normal person would) and had a lovely, smooth transaction.  Will this ever get easier?  I didn't used to have this fear.

I was congratulating myself smugly through my commute and was rewarded with a migraine.  I love driving while blind on the right side!  My rear-view mirror disappeared, so I stayed put in center lane and well back from the car in front of me.  I have an emergency medicine that dissolves on the tongue, but finding with my numb right hand in a purse I couldn't see, then opening the outer foil packet ("tear here"!), then the inner sealed pod ("peel here"!) was frustrating while driving.   I didn't believe I could safely change lanes to the right or even make sound decisions.  Status quo.  Breathe.  Pray.

That emergency med worked.  By the time I inched my way downtown, I could see.  Even now I can read/type and there is no headache pain.  My upper back hurts like I have whiplash but I'm good.  I faced my biggest fear and I'm good.

I don't create all my own problems.  Maybe just many of them.  Let's be a little more self-loving when those rough times come around.