Thursday, August 29, 2013

Change a Little a Lot or Don't

I've been working hard on my yoga study lately, and all that writing has left me a bit dry. Between paragraphs, I run. I promised myself I would do more crosstraining and do my "dynamic" warmups. Am I? No. I forget sometimes when I'm at home, and out on the trails, I just feel silly kicking my legs in different directions when I could be... running.

My hip is definitely better, and I still guage the intensity of my workouts based on how much pain I have left from the previous workout. Stretching causes the most pain and can leave me sore for days. I had a rest day yesterday, but I sat in cross-legged position for a little while in my chair at work and then later at home to stretch that pesky psoas. The fracture itself is healed.

I am a very slow runner now. When I think I'm running fast, my Garmin assures me that things have changed. When I push forward, my legs laugh at me. I can't believe that pace I was running before, and even that slow rate was considered slow. I had worked up to a somewhat uncomfortable 8:30 mile per hour, but couldn't maintain that more than a mile at a time. Now, I'm JOGGING at around 11:30, when I think I'm doing great. That is pretty great.

Its just that I had promised I would make all these changes, and I've only made a couple. I am happy to say that I have found the joy in running. I feel like this season is on my terms. I say when; I say how much. My goals don't govern me, and I'll decide what they are as I go along. I'm not committing to any events that are more than a couple months out. Overall, this makes my training runs so much more blissful. I think I'll enjoy the events more, too.

I'm also acheiving the goal of teaching yoga. It's really happening. I'm also a bit stuck in this goal. I have been at this particular desk job for a very long time now, and it offers as much stability as any jobn can. Is it smart to leave it? It looks like we can actually afford it, but I won't be able to pay off my student loans or my car as quickly. I would be around for my kiddo more, and actually feel more present when I am home. I am usually so burned out by the time I get home that I go on autopilot to make dinner, make sure the kiddo has her homework done, and spend a little time with her before she goes to bed. If it's a workout night, I feel like I'm completely neglecting her. I do believe that fitness is a very important part of life, especially considering that I sit on my ass all day, including the typical 1.5 hour commute. But my kiddo is more important.

I also have an issue with knowing whether or not to rely on someone else for my income. I don't know that I can ever bring myself to let go of my paycheck. I don't know that I can ever trust someone to be financially responsible for me. I also don't know if this is a symptom of my marriage, or if it applies in general. I also don't know if I'm supposed to be married. Sometimes it seems good. Sometimes it seems really, really bad. Most of the time I wish I was completely independent, but then again, I don't know if this is a symptom of my marriage.

How do people make big decisions? How on earth do I decide about yoga, when the issue is my marriage?

I run. I make her dinner. I nap after work when I should be playing a card game.

I love her so much, and I all I really want is to be a MOM.