Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Potential

I hope this is the worst of it. Perhaps if you're at the lowest, that's actually when you have the greatest amount of potential.

I used to think I had a lot of potential. As a child, I thought I could create and fulfill dreams. As I got closer to adulthood, I reached high and educated myself to see the dreams become reality through employment in my chosen profession. I continued my career path up and up until I exploded. I burned out two years ago.

I've seen myself in small, insignificant jobs since then that leave me unfulfilled and underpaid. I left my last job a couple weeks ago, and I'm on the hunt for a position back in my career path.

But I'm not doing well. I can't afford to be out of work, and I'm beating myself up for who I am now. Today began the markings of serious depression. I couldn't get out of bed, I can't make food, and worst of all- when my daughter hugged me, I turned my back and went stiff as a board.

THAT is a huge red flag, and one that spirals me further into darkness. How can I treat her so badly? I am terrible.

I'll take her to her best friends house later so that she can have a good day, and I can try to climb out of this hole. I'm not sure I should be alone, because the suicidal thoughts are with me.

I want to logic my way out of my head. I want to see the future and know that my presence is better than my absence. I feel like a drain on my family's finances, because I'm not contributing.

Potential.

All I have to do is get through the day.