Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Wednesday

Yesterday- gone. Check.

I'm embarrassed by what a bad mom I can be, but I did claw my way out and into something resembling a normal-looking day. 

I did get up, started to clean a pot to make oatmeal, and the dish soap dispenser wasn't working. When I opened it to access the soap, I dumped half the bottle in. That's when I lost it in front of The Kid and she tried to hug me. Twice. I could only excuse myself to sob in the bedroom. 

Would you believe she brought me tea? I sat there alone, sipping my daughter's loving gift, amazed at her ability to reach out, and berating my curse of anxiety. I decided to claw my way out, and at least get my ass in the same room and interact with her. 

Let me be clear- she didn't cause this episode. I checked my bank account and saw more spending over the weekend than I recalled. Then, using too much soap- wasting more money. when the anxiety hits, every little negative thing feels like the straw that will break my family's financial back. And it feels like I'm the sole cause of it. 

I did spend time with her. I left the bathroom, opened all the blinds, made the damn oatmeal and took each moment step-by-painful-step. I talked with her about anxiety and depression, and how to climb out if you ever find yourself blue or over-worrying. That amazing girl had some great insights and understanding. She said one of her teachers said that sometimes you have to "fake it until you make it," a saying which I always related to jazz. By evening, she was at her BFF's for a sleepover and I had found one job listing worthy of application. 

Today I can plan to breathe. The steps, whatever they might be, are still painful and raw. 

I need some goals to help me through this. Positive statements. My goal today will be to define my goal. 

My current goal of "get a job before my family dies of starvation" is not serving me well. My other current goal has also been "prove you are worthy of life by earning your keep" and that one is complete bullshit. 

Today- here. Check.