This Ridiculous Girl

Playing Free

2012-02-15T11:38:00.000-06:00

I've never understood free play. The thought of it makes me want to lie down and rest.

Learning to dissect music and perform it was hardly easy. I learned a lot about myself, and found a path of personal growth in between the notes. Free form still eluded me. I couldn't let go of the formulas in front of me enough to let my passion rise above.

Yoga found me several years ago. I learned all the textbook stuff and appreciated the changes that I saw as a result of the practice I performed in class. When I tried to repeat the sequences at home, I floundered. When we had free time in class, I panicked.

I've always dabbled in running it seems, but never looked to it for any lessons. It's just been there as I wanted it or needed the extra push. I always approached my treadmill with a certain time goal in mind, or distance. It never even occurred to me to look for any freedom. Why would I?? It's not in my personality to be so loosely structured.

Last night, I laced up my tennies (I am in love with my dirty sneakers) and asked my knee what we should do together on the treadmill. It said, "I don't know. Let's try and see." I didn't like that answer at all, so I asked my achy hip. It said, "How should I know?? Hop on and take me for a spin."

I started the motor and began a warmup, listening for further cues from these conductors. Lungs, how about y'all? Anything to say? Attitude? Ego says, "You shouldn't do this. I'm gonna push you hard enough tonight to never forget this punishing lesson: you can't trust not having a plan."

I told my ego that I would check back with it in the last ten minutes of the run. The time until then was mine to do with as I pleased.

And it was.

I played it like jazz, baby.

I ran it like I should have been playing my flute, my yoga, my life.

That doesn't matter now. What does matter is now.

Tenacity

2012-02-14T09:01:00.001-06:00

Baby, I was born this way. Perseverance knows me well.

If I want to accept my rightful place in this world, I can.

I'm inspired.

~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~ ~|~

Dragonfly, is it time already?

I won't say, "we'll wait and see", because I believe in me.

Kristen's Wisdom

2012-02-13T08:52:00.000-06:00

At any given moment, you have the power to say, this is not how the story is going to end.

The Starting Line

2012-02-13T08:47:00.000-06:00

They say that today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Letting go of the past doesn't mean forgetting it, but you can't live in its shadow. You can't assume that your entire life is predicted by your past. Especially if you choose to educate yourself and act wisely.

I repeatedly forget that it's not me against the world in my quest for independence. I've honed a sharp talent for being alone in my skin. I constantly proclaim that my daughter is the only person who has not hurt me, and from whom I can accept love.

ENOUGH!

Today is another first day in my life.

Attachments

2012-02-10T09:19:00.000-06:00

This sounds neat. Thanks, Steve.

Ho’oponopono It

When I was at the Transformational Leadership Council retreat in Kona, Hawaii last week, we did an interesting Ho’oponopono exercise that included writing an exhaustive list of anyone and anything from the past that we still felt a lingering attachment to. At the end of the exercise, we tore up our lists, a symbolic way of shedding those attachments. This doesn’t mean shedding those people from one’s life. It just means releasing any unconscious attachments to them, so you can make a freer and more conscious choice about how to relate (or not relate) to them thereafter. At least that was my understanding of the exercise.

At the time I did that exercise, I didn’t sense that anything special had happened. It was a nice gesture but not particularly transformational for me. However, when I returned to Vegas several days later, I could tell that something had shifted in my attitudes towards certain people. I could more easily distinguish the aspects of those connections that I was freely inviting vs. those aspects that had become riddled with unconscious expectations and obligations. I felt a greater sense of freedom to relate on the basis of choice while releasing any lingering loyalty to the expectation side. I felt more empowered to relate to people as my true self without worrying about their reactions.

When it’s obvious that some part of your life isn’t working, stop. Release what isn’t working. Then choose another path. People will squawk at you, but you’ll be happier on the other side.

Do You Ever Feel Like

2012-02-08T14:49:00.002-06:00

Another brick in the wall?

A grain of sand on an enormous beach?

A member of an insane clown posse?

A fiber on a strand of thread in a yarn of a square of an afghan?

A molecule of oxygen floating in a particle of air on a stranger's breath?

Are we really so unique?

No.

Yes.

It really doesn't matter as long as you are at peace with yourself. You can't ask anyone else to make you feel special! Reach for your stars. Push forward.

Gramma's Gifts on her Birthday

2012-02-07T09:54:00.007-06:00

BB, you disappointed me yesterday. I can't be your girl if you put such ultimatums and attachments on me. PARD caught my attention last weekend. That was an accident of my wandering eye, but now I feel scorned and am inspired to actively seek.

Put your tether away, because this horse will only run faster!

~~~~~~~~~

Gramma, I remember you on your b-day.  I've been considering a few of the qualities you instilled in me- for better or for worse.

Independence- I truly have no idea why you stayed in your marriage, or how you loved your man. There were times when I saw the sweetest depths between yall, but there were other times when I saw you spread your wings and fly solo. You knew love, but you allowed your children, and me, to be hurt by his hands.

You gave me a home but never helped me succeed in it. You told me not to dream too big so that I wouldn't be disappointed. You didn't want me doubling up on my jr/sr level classes and taking correspondence courses from UT at the same time. You didn't like my letter from that Ivy League school or the invitation to tour Europe with my flute.  You didn't like my drive in academics or athletics. I didn't pursue some of those opportunities, but you bet I fought my way out of that little town. This is where I give you credit for teaching me to earn my own damn independence. Years later, when I brought my baby into this world and had forged my own path, you finally forgave me and acknowledged my independence. You even praised me for it and spoke highly of me to your friends.  The last time we visited, you even spoke highly of me to me.

You taught me how to balance my checkbook and you managed the family budget. I may not have followed your footsteps perfectly, but I get it now and things are running smoother than ever. Gramma, I wish I'd paid attention sooner. I didn't think I was in the same position you were and that I could afford to do things differently. I was wrong.

I have more goals in this area of independence, but you'd be proud of what I've accomplished so far.

Tenacity- I saw in you unbelievable resilience. You never gave up. Your life was hard. On those nights when I've wanted to pop every pill in the house and fall peacefully into permanent slumber, I can't deny that my life is comparatively easy. It's you that I still turn to in the worst of times. You were always there to scoop me up and put me into a warm bed when I had truly lost everyone else. Since you didn't give up on me so many times before, I never will. Strength can be accumulated if you flex often, and I'm determined and muscle-bound.

You worked hard on your land and in your professional career. You were an intelligent woman who still took time to freshen her lipstick and paint her nails. Your cooking skills live on in my kitchen and your sweat mingles with mine in my garden. You energy levels always amazed me. I am your granddaughter through and through.

I try hard in everything I do because of you. I hope not to do anything halfway. I love my best and I play my best. I give, give, give my best. I feel terrible when I don't.

I can do more, and I will.

The bratty factor- You could pout with the best of them! By your own assertion, you were a spoiled little girl! If you wanted lights in your garden, my goodness, grampa made it happen! I think you knew you had a few things coming your way- you earned them.

This little brat could stand a few lessons, but not the ones you might have thought. You always seemed to think I was in your way, that I asked for too much of your time. When we lived together, our best moments were when I was quiet and by your side. How I hated boring weekends watching PBS!!! What 10th grader wants to watch Central Texas Gardener?!?!

You were proud of yourself for your own accomplishments, and you wanted recognition for them. You didn't want anyone to take away what belonged to you. I promise you, gramma, I NEVER wanted anything that was yours. I believe that in death we finally see all truths. I know you hear my heart now. I only wanted your love and nothing more.

Your little brat will always want love and a place to belong. (Independence and tenacity don't bring these things.)

Optimism/Pessimism- Which were you? You got mad at me once because I failed your pessimism quiz, but to me the results of the quiz meant I was being realistic. We never did see eye to eye on that one! To this day, I never know whether to look at the beer can half empty or half full, but I don't give up on people. Just like you. You never gave up on anyone.

Being so open allows for deep wounds in the heart. My experience tells me that true love never dies. Here is my optimism, gramma- I love deeply. I'm even learning to let go and simply trust. You can't protect the heart and love at the same time.

That beer can is however you want it to be, full, empty, or on its way. There's no right answer because I'm independent, tenacious, and bratty enough to LOVE myself and others in this big, wide world.

I love you today and forever. I know what this means.

Tara Wisely Says...

2012-02-03T09:50:00.000-06:00

No Mud, No Lotus http://www.tarabrach.com/audio/2011-12-21-No-Mud-No-Lotus-TaraBrach.mp3

Our attitude in the face of life's challenges determines our suffering or our freedom. This solstice talk explores the light of compassion that blossoms when we honor our difficult times with a deep, mindful attention.

Vanilla Blues

2012-02-03T09:09:00.000-06:00

Times like these, you're supposed to lean on other people.

Work is really hard right now. I'm breathing, I think. I feel like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky yelling, "TECH SUPPORT!!!!" I'm sincerely trying my best, but I'm scrambling for... I forgot.

I'm a little sadder than I expected to be. I can't wish this feeling away; I feel like it should be honored somehow.

J, I'm sorry I fed you a Lean Pocket and cereal for dinner last night. I'm trying to be a good mama. TECH SUPPORT!!!!

I was supposed to clean my house last night, and I did turn on the dishwasher at least. Mostly I cried in bed. J made me a bracelet in my favorite color that spelled out in beads, "I LOVE YOU". I went and laid in her bed and tried to put on a happy face. I told her that she was my magic that always made me happy. She looked really pleased with herself.

I should have run my 6 miles too. At least I washed my face and brushed my teeth.

There's another long night ahead. TECH SUPPORT!!!!

Tara?

Goodbye, Uncle Mark

2012-02-02T13:33:00.000-06:00

You made her happy. I saw her face when she talked about you.

She was, is, and always will be a woman in love.

We know what love is.

Lucky man!

Flying Blind

2012-02-02T11:34:00.002-06:00

Last night was my first "social" non-competitive organized group run. Since I don't usually get to start at the end, I'll indulge and tell you now that it all turned out well, and I was happy with my finish time. (29 min 5k if you believe C, 30 min 5k if you believe runningtimes.com) The nice thing about being a beginner runner is that PR's fly at you often. Don't get used to it, girl.

The mind is an amazing creature. It can lie to you in bad ways, or pump you up to be your best. It can be suspicious or completely content. My yoga mind is the most peaceful, appreciating the world and taking note of all my emotions and thoughts without delving into them.

While running, my mind does not always know how to occupy itself. I find that it repeats the Poe quote, "'I hastened to make an end of my labour". Then it plays with the words, "hastened, hasten, haste", "haste, pace", "pace, pace, pace", "hasten your pace for less waste", "waste your waist", "don't waste your labour", "end your labour", "end your work", "work your pace"!!!! On and on!!!

I made the mistake last night of paying attention and being too eager. When the social run leader said "Go!" I WENT! I didn't realize that it's supposed to be like a buffet and everyone kind of hesitates for someone else to start. As a result, I had placed myself too far in the front and for the first few minutes, all I saw were faster runners passing me. Even at that, I was nervous and had shot out of there like a horse on steroids. My butt was cramping and I was running too fast but keeping it up because I was afraid of being left behind.

I had no idea where I stood in the pack, and eventually, I was a lone runner and couldn't see anyone in my group. Was I in the back? Had I found a pocket? Were the people around me just other Town Lake runners, or were they with my group? What is this bridge doing here?? I'm not to Mopac yet, but I'm out of trail and have to cross over... Make a decision. NOW!

I chugged forward hard and eventually caught up to some faster runners who'd passed me earlier and had decided to walk. I pushed again, finally confident that my earlier bridge crossing had been a correct decision. There's Mopac! My breathing was atypically heavy, and I didn't trust my new tennies, with my signature still wet on the receipt. I had no idea where the stairs for the Lamar bridge were, and I was sure I'd passed them. There were few runners on the dim trail, and I kept passing male walkers in street clothes- I wasn't going to stop to talk...

I finally saw a familiar backpack, someone in my group who passed me earlier, and I asked (panted) for the direction I needed. There was the Lamar bridge in front of me, and we ran it in together!

There in the dark, frustrated and full of fear, I found that I had already made haste of my labour.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can...

2012-02-01T10:28:00.000-06:00

Perfection on Ice

2012-01-31T14:03:00.002-06:00

HELLO, Hello, hello...

2012-01-26T08:43:00.000-06:00

From my hiatus. Even bad girls get vacation sometimes.

I've yogad, shopped, lunched, run, boot camped, cleaned, gardened, and loved. More.

Have I learned?

Am I giving it all away or keeping too much for myself? Sometimes they look the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Staycations make me introspective. My garden always reminds me of my gramma, which also gives me pause. My peas and bluebonnets show me how love should be. Pure, innocent, open, and gentle.

A very cool thing- I got a big, wet, sincere hug this week from a random dog moments after I'd recounted a story of long-lost pet to a friend. Goodnight, Seagram, you were present. Mr. Retriever knows how love is!

I do too.

Talking in Circles

2012-01-20T11:08:00.000-06:00

Dear Lady in the Hallway,

I don't need feedback every single time I get a haircut. Yes, I agree that my next-to-last stylist did a better job on the back of my hair. However, I think my bangs look better this time around, and I like the choppier look Erica gave me.

Really, I'm gonna start using the restroom on the next floor up if you keep giving me your opinions. I can't care that much about what other people think, I'm rockin my style my way.

My way, baby.

So stop walking tight little circles around me. You're making me a dizzy blonde.

Love,

not your j

~~

Dreamland

2012-01-20T06:33:00.002-06:00

Sleepy people should go back to bed.

It's still a long day ahead, but I don't mind as much as I thought I would.

Y didn't mention my lunch today, but I'm feeling rather complacent about that too. Cafeteria it is. Don't count on people to follow through with things, but make sure you follow through!

I am happy.

~~~~

P.S. Re-found appreciation of Maroon 5? Thanks, B.

~~~~

MLK Day Play

2012-01-17T11:06:00.005-06:00

I know I shouldn't blog so much about running on here... bear with me for another post? I just love my new adventures so much.

Our local track is in great shape, and I hit it hard yesterday evening. There was a football group of some kind playing at one end of the field, but they didn't look like an organized club, so I felt pretty good about claiming some running space. There were no other runners/walkers on the track itself, and I did stake that territory!!

I clocked my quarter mile splits, focusing on pace, breathing, form, all the right stuff. Near the finish, a little growling barking dog rushed me from a side field. I saw that it had an owner chasing it, so I slowed and stopped so that it didn't think I was prey to attack. The owner kindly apologized, and before I took off again, I realized I was in a sidekick self-defense posture against both the dog and it's owner. I didn't bend down to pet, just anchored on my left leg, with my right knee bent, and let him sniff my ankle. Any sign of aggression and I was ready to push outwards and let that little dog fly! My upper arms had risen from their natural running 90 degree angle, ready to face block. I didn't plan nor realize this for 24 seconds (darn you little dog, that was my last timed lap!), until the owner scooped up Mr. Puppy and carried him away. I unfolded my body, relaxed and took off again.

Around the next bend, I set into motion a gorgeous, giant buck. I didn't have time to count his points, but he was strong and strapping! He had been walking calmly in the field, and I'd seen something in the dusky distance but couldn't quite verify that I did in fact see anything. As I ran closer and he powerfully hightailed it away from me, I could feel his bestial power and sense his intent. Beautiful.

We are both runners tonight, my friend.

Finally, I have to mention the bold Texas flag that waved to me at every quarter mile mark. It rose high above the trees, grand with it's sharply contrasting colors against the pale blue sky. As the sun began to set, I expected the stripes to blend into the darkness. Instead, I noticed that a bright spotlight shone through and backlit the flag against our clear, starry sky. I love my state.

I hope to someday travel far and wide, but I know where my heart rests.

Yes, I am in love.

~~~~~~~~~~

Best Sunday Friends

2012-01-15T17:38:00.002-06:00

I've hair salonned.
(Love the edgy bob)

I've run.
(I keep almost tripping while flying down those trails. Pray that I keep my impossibly agile feet!)

I've seen a lot of dogs!
(Stop running and walk towards them if they're not on a leash, and don't look them in the eye. But don't be fearful either, because you can outpower them if needed.)

I seriously need to clean house.
(Tomorrow. Then I'll go visit Victoria as a big treat!)

Instead of cleaning today, I enjoyed time with an old friend. We took our kids to the park together. Little did we know back in those flute ensemble days that we would still know each other!!! (TQ, you're a million times more talented than my e-flat pinky finger will ever be!!)

You're a million times more cherished than I can ever tell you.

Livin it Up

2012-01-12T11:49:00.000-06:00

Loneliness is fickle! It's not real.

When I feel it, and I stop to really feel it, it morphs into another thing entirely. Like anger. Or sadness. Loneliness is just a shadow of something else that wants to be thought about.

Or questions that want to be asked. I don't always want the answers.

~~~

Today I runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

Tomorrow I'll hair salon! I'll shop! I'll people and dog watch in my downtown!

If I don't spoil me and live my life to the fullest, the job won't get done.

My heart is my desire.

It's important.

Learning Long

2012-01-11T10:37:00.000-06:00

I've been to the loneliest of places. And stood scared, facing my realest problems, screaming about them into the darkness at the top of my lungs.

I know that place, and who I am when I'm there.

I've left my trail litter. Carved on a log, "this girl wuz here".

Life is a journey, baby!

So Fitting

2012-01-10T08:43:00.001-06:00

Love Me Like This

2012-01-06T22:18:00.006-06:00

Klimt doesn't mind.

2012-01-05T22:01:00.006-06:00

17:30 warmup, increasing walk/run segments Mile 1
31:11 4.3mph entire prev interval Mile 2
44:15 4.4mph ent prev int Mile 3
56:09 4.8mph ent prev int quite difficult Mile 4
67:26 5.1mph ent prev int VERY difficult!! Mile 5
approx 10 min cooldown
--
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What Year?

2012-01-05T12:13:00.003-06:00

Hey chickadee, the year that just passed...

...was 2011.

:)

So ridiculous.

Go, Go Gadget Legs!

2012-01-05T12:05:00.003-06:00

I'm just itching to run today. I haven't written an update about what actually happened on New Year's yet, but I'll start by saying that I'm finally recovered enough for another really hard run. And no, it had nothing to do with alcohol!

Today I'll stop by Academy to spend Dad and A's fabulous gift card on some new breathable, wicking running capris, then I'll hit my favorite park for a fun run/speedwork. Tuesday, I did a cross-training dvd that used to kick my rear. It's not so hard these days, and my intention was to ease back into exercise after my NY setback. I still added hand weights to feel like I was getting a workout. I have to rethink my new fitness level, because even that favorite park isn't so challenging anymore and now seems very small.

Back to New Year's, we'll just say I had a little issue that had me looking for the closest urgent care clinic in the "wee" :) hours of the morning. I couldn't find an open one, so I had to head in to an ER. Luckily, I was back home and in bed to rest later that morning.

Drink lots and lots of water/hydrating fluids when you work out! I'm pushing my athletic limits and did not adjust accordingly. I missed out on champagne celebrations, but that's probably not so bad anyway. I'll also check out the hydration belts at Academy while I'm there today. I'm torn between a couple brands but need to go ahead and make a decision. Running equipment is pricey but necessary.

Speaking of proper planning, I've lost my little calendar where I track all my appointments. Yeah, I know I can put it all in my phone and sync it with my computer but I love the little spiral paper ones. They're so tangible and real, and I get to cross things off with a pencil as I complete them. Aaaaahhh, feels good.

It's okay; one of my supervisors says I need to add a little chaos to my life.

My Rules

2012-01-03T09:20:00.002-06:00

I put away my 2011 desk calendar. Goodbye, 2011. I'll remember you.

The New Year does mean a lot to me. My list isn't a complete draft, but has become a collection of written words, personal reflections, lifetime goals, and current needs.

It reminds me of standing before a map with a giant pin marking, YOU ARE HERE! Part of the map is illegible, and I get a little bit of say in the direction I want to go. I make up the rules, and find out along the way which ones were right. I can break the rules and maybe find a shortcut (or a broken leg!). Or a broken heart.

Though hindsight is supposed to be 50/50, I also find that past parts of my journey can be easily misinterpreted. Am I reading 2011 correctly so that I can predict the upcoming terrain accurately?

I trust in my goals, and my ability to achieve them. I still have a lot to learn!

Push forward with joy!

Marking Time

2012-01-02T08:55:00.002-06:00

I'm sure that 15 minutes I was late wasn't attributed to my early morning conducting of that little Beethoven octet!

Why is it so much better with your eyes closed?

Conversely...

2012-01-01T18:32:00.000-06:00

From Dallas, SA, and many points abound, flew in gifts of glad tidings today.

I may know loss, but I know far greater love!

Love Looks Like

2012-01-01T17:25:00.002-06:00

If You Can't Sing, Just Hummus

2011-12-28T14:10:00.000-06:00

Yield: About 5 cups (10 to 15 servings)
Time: 20 minutes

6 garlic cloves, chopped
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 1/2 teaspoons pimentón (smoked paprika) or other paprika
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
4 cups drained cooked chickpeas, cooking liquid reserved
1 cup tahini, peanut butter, or other nut butter
1/3 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice

1. Put the garlic, 2 tablespoons of the oil, 2 teaspoons of the pimentón, and the salt, black pepper, and cayenne in a large bowl, food processor, or blender. Mash or process until relatively smooth.

2. Add the chickpeas, tahini, and lemon juice, and mash or process until the hummus is uniform in texture and as smooth as you like it, adding the reserved garbanzo cooking liquid as needed if the mixture is too thick. Taste and adjust the seasoning. Sprinkle the remaining 1/2 teaspoon pimentón over the hummus, drizzle with the remaining 1 tablespoon oil, and serve immediately (or cover and refrigerate for up to a week).

The Joy of It

2011-12-28T10:01:00.001-06:00

I've begun drafting my resolutions for next year. Central themes include joy, simplicity, and completion.

Everything I need has an opposite need. Discipline still needs silliness. Self control wants a soft touch. As much as I love and want J constantly, I have to let go to let her grow.

Let her grow.

I trust that there is joy in watching her grow. I trust that I have other joys that come from within myself, inspired by whatever it is that makes people unique.

A conductor who once demonstrated for me how to conduct using only his face, Dr. Williams, would ask, "What's the it?" I already have it and I know where it lives. I feel it when I'm truly happy. I let other people, events, and even my own head interfere, but it is my own joy and I'm going to claim it as my sparkle because that's simply how it's meant to be. No more living without it for any period of time or giving it away.

HoHo... Oh

2011-12-24T23:17:00.004-06:00

I didn't expect Christmas Eve to feel lonely. Unexpected, but not sad!

I'll greet my holiday like a proper lady.

Not only do I know that I am loved by family and friends, but I am looking forward to a new day, my way.
--
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OH YES I DID

2011-12-24T10:41:00.000-06:00

Hello, over two hour mark and unbelievable terrain! I ran the whole thing, alternating stumbling, flying, whatever it took. Sometimes it meant stopping to drink water and enjoy the scenery- because those things seem to be necessary for balance.

Hello, girl I remember.

Yeah

2011-12-23T09:30:00.000-06:00

1. Events reveal people’s characters; they don’t determine them. Not everyone with divorced parents has terrible relationships. If two people are hit by a bus and crippled for life, one will become a bitter shut-in; the other, the kind of warm, outgoing person (cheerful despite everything) whom everyone loves to be with. It’s not about the bus, and a dreadful childhood is no excuse. You have the chance to be the person you wish to be, until you die.

2. Lying, by omission or commission, is a bad idea. I cannot shake my dependency on the white lie, because I was brought up to be nice. And I’ve never figured out the nice way to say, “I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than come to your house for dinner.” But the meaningful lie, the kind that involves being untruthful or deceitful about important stuff to those you love, is like poison. Telling the truth hurts, but it doesn’t kill. Lying kills love.

3. Sex always give you an answer, although not necessarily the one you want. It’s possible to have very good sex, a few times, with a person who shouldn’t be in your life at all. Have fun, and hide your wallet and your BlackBerry. On the other hand, it’s unlikely that a grown man, however nice, will become much, much better in bed than he was the first five times you slept with him. And if you sleep with a man who is unkind to you, there will be more of that; long after the sex is humdrum, the cruelty will be vivid

4. Most talents are transferable. If you can raise toddlers and teenagers with relative calm, you can be a CEO. If you’re a good driver, you can probably steer a cab, fly a plane, captain a boat. My years as a waitress―serving food to demanding people in a high-stress environment without losing my temper―served me equally well as a mother, a wife, and a short-order cook for my family. And if you have the teaching gene, you can teach anything. (I mean it. All you have to do is be one lesson ahead of your students. Sole meunière, Latin and Greek, algebra―you can teach it!)

5. Fashion fades; style is eternal. Not only do you not have to wear torn jeans, a barely-there tank top, and a fedora, but you probably shouldn’t. The point of fashion is to indulge briefly in something fun. The point of style is to have one―whether that’s a sheath and spike heels or slouchy jeans and your husband’s T-shirt―and it should last you a lifetime. All you have to do is think you deserve to look and feel your best and spend some time figuring out how to do it. Don’t know? Find a woman whose style you admire and ask for a little advice.

6. You can’t fake love. Staying in a love relationship when love is not what you feel isn’t likely to end well. If you know that what you crave is security/disposable income/child care and not the person next to you in bed, do the right thing. It’s true that one can learn to love someone over time and often through difficult circumstances. But unless the two of you agree to wait until you’re old and all the storms have passed, in the hope that love will kick in, it’s better to bail sooner rather than later.

7. Mean doesn’t go away. Some people get better looking with age; some don’t. Some people soften; some toughen up. Mean streaks tend not to disappear. A person who demeans and belittles you and speaks of you with contempt to others is probably going to be that way for years. The first time it happens, take note. The second time, take your coat and go.

8. No one’s perfect. I knew that I wasn’t perfect; I just didn’t realize that this also applied to the people I fell in love with. The object of your affection will always turn out to have huge and varied faults. The smart thing is not to look for someone flawless (which is why Elizabeth Taylor married eight times), but to look for someone whose mix of strengths and liabilities appeals to you (which is why she married Richard Burton twice).

9. Ask for help. It’s possible you’ll get turned down. It’s even more likely that you’ll feel vulnerable and exposed. Do it anyway, especially if you are the helpful sort yourself. Those of us who like to offer assistance and hate to take any are depriving other people of the opportunity to be generous and kind; we are also blinding ourselves to the reality of mutual dependence. You wouldn’t wear pink hot pants and pretend they were flattering. Don’t pretend you don’t need help.

10. Keep your eye on the prize and your hand on the plow. It’s easy to lose sight of what you want, especially if you haven’t gotten it. I know it’s less work to put the wish away, to pretend that the wish itself has disappeared. But it’s important to know what your prize is, because that is part of who you are. Whether it’s financial stability, two children, a collection of poetry, or a happy marriage, take Winston Churchill’s advice and never give in. Never give in. Never give in.

from: http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/truths-i-wish-id-known-sooner-00000000025614/index.html

Quote of the Day

2011-12-23T09:09:00.002-06:00

This one made me laugh:

"It seems that we can add, to sausages and laws, churches as a phenomenon that is not pleasant to watch at the manufacturing stage."

from: http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/fighting_words/2011/10/is_mormonism_a_cult_who_cares_it_s_their_weird_and_sinister_beli.html?wpisrc=obinsite

2011-12-22T17:37:00.001-06:00

I can't care about that.

I'm a brick wall.

Yeah, baby.

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A Few More

2011-12-22T15:49:00.000-06:00

I love this time of year, and the build up to New Year's excites me!!

Last year I was more than cranky at the drive-thru guy through his speaker on New Year's Eve, just a few minutes before midnight. It was a horrible day, year... When he didn't hear my order the first time, I said, "Are you even listening?? Are even you paying attention??" Then I spoke absurdly slowly as if I was dealing with a complete idiot.

By the time I pulled up to the window, I was so upset with myself and I apologized profusely. If you know me at all, maybe you would know how generally kind I am to the walk-on characters who pass in and out of my life. I said I was so sorry, that I was having a terrible day, and to please accept my apology for being so short with him. He looked surprised. When he came back with my order, he told me to try to have a really great night and not to worry about it. The sincerity in his eyes was worth a million bucks to me. I just said I was so sorry again.

I know this year will be a little better.

I have fireworks on the inside.

Keep loving life, girl. You'll never make all the perfect choices, but you can enjoy life for what you're worth.

Cherished Gift

2011-12-20T09:12:00.001-06:00

By your sleeping bedside with deepest love

Moonbeams brightening your world

Tiny hands holding today, reaching for tomorrow

A majestic future with the promise of a woman

Held with love in strong arms tonight

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For the brilliant little Miss S. on her b-day!! I hope your future holds everything your heart desires.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Typical Bombshell

2011-12-19T15:51:00.000-06:00

Thanks, friend ;) for pointing out that as usual, my silly sayings are "off"...

When the kitties are away, it's the mice who play. LOLOL!!!

Either way, I'm feeling it.

Once... But Now I'm Found

2011-12-19T09:56:00.000-06:00

When the mice are away, the kitties will play ;)

J is on her vacation this week, and is not too far away at her Texas "Gea's" house for the week which means I can relax a bit! Of course I miss my girl, but it's nice to spend time being a woman too.

The house is organized and clean (well, maybe the floors could use some work) but my goal is to focus on self-indulgence. I'm intentionally bringing more of this into my life in general, and will have a big fat helping this week.

A few words float and twinkle in my mind lately:

self
glowing
sweet
breathing
worthy
beautiful
muscles
lingering
running
"Yeah"

Sunday, Sunday

2011-12-18T10:00:00.000-06:00

Laundry, garden, love.

Wondering how I get from Point A to Point B. It's a long line with surprise squiggles along the way.

Thank you for holding my hand along the way.

2011-12-16T10:10:00.002-06:00

Lifeful

2011-12-16T09:30:00.002-06:00

Neat tidy little rows of Bibb lettuce and carrots in my garden love this cold weather! The spinach must be shy. Mr. Weatherman says we'll have thunderstorms on Sunday but I hope he's wrong again so I can tend my green babies.

I am not kale, and prefer to be cozy inside. Regardless, you'll find me on a new trail Saturday morning. I'll follow my new adventure with an old, traditional one and take J to the mall for a sit on Santa's lap. I asked her if she was getting too old for that yet, and she paused. That silent moment told me that it's coming soon, but in the end she decided that we need the visit. I told her I was glad!

To be cozy inside my office, I layer. Big Bro keeps us on our frozen toes! I bond with my coworkers to stay warm! I work harder to keep my blood pumping! I stay close to my computer for the heat of the CPU!

There was a potluck today so I brought a bunch of doughnuts, except when I got here it turned out that I had the date wrong and the big event is on Monday. Duh, silly girl... and you don't even eat pastries... Who plans potlucks for a MONDAY?

Since I thought it was potluck day, I didn't really have lunch planned, so I'll go cube diving for eats later to see what I can dig up. At least I'm starting with coffee and my Odwalla protein shake. The coffee gives me awful side effects and I need to give it up again, but I love how much I get done when I drink it!

Looking forward to a full and fulfilling weekend.

Hello, Goodbye Reprise

2011-12-15T13:16:00.002-06:00

Hello, action-figure muscles and new waistline. I noticed things were different last night during my steamy shower post-run recovery yoga.

Goodbye, three pounds. Did I leave you in FL?? I surprisingly dismissed you from my scale this morning. Twelve more to go. I may have to reassess my goals, because 115 may not be reasonable- 120 would be a perfectly happy weight for me.

Seven more to go. Done. Reassessed. Now I'm closer to my original goal!! Goodbye too-high expectation.

Lots of veggies, diligent denials of all forms of desserts, and moderate portions have been my mainstay. I did allow an indulgence of a cheese plate and a glass of wine on the plane ride home. Without the occasional food-hug, I'll fall flat on my dieting face. The lighter I am, the easier the run is on my joints. Preventing injuries is key.

So all this talk lately about not letting people in and needing to live a lonely life to be happy... I think I love my friends and no matter how blue I get, the truth is that I do reach out to my best buds when I'm in the deepest shades of navy. Whatever specific events have triggered my bummedness lately, I'm kind of sick of it and have decided to resume my sparkle.

I took some proactive steps yesterday to find my shine. I'm still a damn strong person, and not just a mommy. Goodbye narrow thinking.

Renaissance girl, don't ever forget your curiosity for all things in life!!! Your love for your friends!!! Your zest for exercise!!! Your very strange humor!!!

These things can be shared with others, but they come from the inside and shimmer with grace and beauty that are unique only to me.

Hello, dragonfly. I remember you.

Hello, Goodbye

2011-12-14T10:45:00.000-06:00

Florida was a real trip. I'm so glad I went and got to know my great uncle Bernie and my great aunt Pearl.

Loving is easy. Leaving is hard.

I could look at today as a new start. My purse is all tidy and clean, everything is organized. Travelling teaches you how to question your baggage.

Still, it seems I haven't learned my lessons.  Maybe I'll never let anyone shoulder my load.

It's such a shame girl, because it's not only back-breaking work for you but it seems to hurt others.

Eventually anyone intelligent would stop offering.

Just start.  Breathe. One foot, then the other. The wall is at the beginning. Once I get to the place of commitment, I can fly forever.

2011-12-11T11:00:00.001-06:00

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!! FT. LAUDERDALE, WATCH OUT, BABY!!!!

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How Much Further??

2011-12-08T11:39:00.000-06:00

Giving love is so easy.

Receiving it is just too hard. Whether it's myself or others (J is my unconditional exception), I just don't think I'm cut out for this challenge. Maybe I don't really want to be reached. The biggest wall I can't hurdle is my own simple, gigantic mental block. How much longer do I try to find this finish line? Let others go the distance together.

I'd prefer to start alone so that when I eventually find myself left with me, myself and my back-up plan, I won't notice that I was left behind.

Then again, maybe an unwillingness to receive love means that I'm not really giving it.

There is a secret about human love that is commonly overlooked: Receiving it is much more scary and threatening than giving it. How many times in your life have you been unable to let in someone's love or even pushed it away? Much as we proclaim the wish to be truly loved, we are often afraid of that, and so find it difficult to open to love or let it all the way in. - John Welwood

Woof!

2011-12-07T21:06:00.001-06:00

I stepped up my goals since the 5K and it turns out that I can plod along at a reasonable pace for some time. Sunday and Tuesday were both very long runs for me, each uniquely frustrating and fulfilling.

I have a new race, the Austin 1020 http://www.austin1020.com/, oh so kindly gifted to me (thank you!!!!!!!!!) which is 10 miles long. A 10K is 6.2 and I managed that in an hour and 21 mins Tuesday night. It's a long road ahead, and I'm still not sure that I accept this as a long-term part of my lifestyle. I'll decide after the April 15th race. It's a special date.

I've been at conferences this week, lunching with coworkers, Christmas shopping, decking the halls, and in general enjoying myself as much as possible. My beautiful red gown for the Nutcracker ballet performance arrived and fits!! I still have goals there too, but apparently I'm a bit of a perfectionist.

It may be time to relax and go with the flow a little more.

How does a person not worry so much?

Is it in trusting your own opinions... actions... worth?

When it comes to J, I trust my choices. I know without a doubt what's what because I'm the Mommy and I trust my intentions to do what's best for her. The rest of the time- in my own personal life, I second-guess, take others' voices above my own, and attempt invisibility. If I have the capability to be a strong parent, then I have it in me to be a strong self.

Bark big, little dog! Run and play!

THAT WAS WORTH IT

2011-12-02T22:44:00.000-06:00

Thursday, My Favorite

2011-12-01T10:37:00.000-06:00

K, I'm glad you loved your Q card and S coupons. You have a great sense of humor.

G, I'm glad you loved the Muppets! I knew you would!!!! Thanks for the text.

Thursdays aer the last day of the week to glam it up an fancy work clothes. It sits just before Friday, unimposing, the most patient, unrecognized day of the week. Still time to get things done and almost time to relax. It's like being next in line. Plenty of time to get your thoughts together.

Thanks Y, for the surprise new-to-me brown boots. I like your new car. I'm happy that you're enjoying yourself in all the ways that you can. We should all find more ways to do this, in whatever capacity it means.

Thanks me, for the soft and pretty pink scarf that I took time to dig out of the closet this morning. It feels like a hug and I'll wear it over my dressy duds in the office all day.

No workout today since H's 5K is tomorrow. KMFA said it would lightly rain on her parade, but we'll see; I hope not. I'm looking forward to it! To me, a small run like this feels a bit like playing with an orchestra. No spotlight but a whole lot of team spirit and an opportunity to play your best. Only you'll know how close you came to allowing your inner self to shine through.

Well I Never Thoughta That

2011-11-30T09:23:00.000-06:00

D says that you're never really alone. People think about you.

I'll add that even if people aren't actively thinking about you, they do love you. D mentioned that even my yoga teacher appreciates my existence, and that hit home too. I can't refute these things.

My yoga teacher matters, and if I matter to her, then I have to matter to myself. I have a lot of friends, and it's not just that they matter to me; it really hadn't occurred to me that I matter to them. Mountain Man says this too. I'm not doing this all just for J, but a whole bunch of folks.

This isn't exactly self-love, but more of a realization that I'm not so completely alone even when the house is empty.

I still wish I had the same compassion for myself that I feel for my coworker's son or for the ratty looking stranger on the street. I'm not there yet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tennis yesterday was a lot of fun. C and I have taken J to the courts a few times, and she's gone to tennis camp a couple times, so by now the racket seems pretty comfortable in her hands. She's getting the "swing" of it but gets frustrated that she's not at our level yet. Consistency is a huge challenge in tennis! Dumb luck will get the ball over the net once or twice, but I try to place it with finesse and intent every time.

I played with my newer racket this time- did I mention that last time, I realized I was playing with my ANCIENT college racket after I got home? That thing is older than I care to say!!!

It did serve me well...

Tara Says...

2011-11-29T08:26:00.002-06:00

Part 1: The Healing Power of Self-Compassion
http://www.tarabrach.com/audio/2011-03-23-Part-1-Healing-Power-of-Self-Compassion.mp3

Part 2: The Healing Power of Self-Compassion
http://www.tarabrach.com/audio/2011-03-30-Part-2-Healing-Power-of-Self-Compassion.mp3

Learning to hold our own lives with a gentle compassion is a key element in all emotional healing and spiritual awakening. This two part series explores the suffering of being at war with ourselves and the pathway to freeing our hearts. Music at end is Libby Roderick, "How Could Anyone?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I say...

Running is getting easier. Finally. My twenty minute wall has shrunk down to ten minutes or so. As soon as I named all my aches and pains in those first few minutes yesterday, they went away. They usually hang on, dragging me down and sucking energy for much longer. Somehow, through all my moaning and complaining, my body has whipped itself into decent shape and can take a fairly prolonged (still kinda slow) nonstop run.

The 5K I signed up for is this Friday and I'm not sure I'll keep running afterwards. Having a goal is a mixed blessing. I'll commit to one run after the finish line, just to see what running without a goal feels like. I need the open space to see how I really feel about this form of exercise. It would be a shame to let go of what I've earned, but staying in shape takes a lot of time. Most of that time is spent talking myself into my running shoes.

Yoga today! What better lunch? Tennis after work! What better dessert?

You'll find me listening to the above online lectures while I gather my documents today.

Thanks, Ms. B., I've misplaced my self-love.

I Want to be Different

2011-11-28T13:21:00.002-06:00

You don't love running when you first start because it hurts. Your legs hurt, your lungs hurt.

But once you make the decision and start to move forward, you become a different person.

Ben Davis, Founder of bendoeslife.com

2011-11-24T21:59:00.003-06:00

Moderation Wins the Race

2011-11-23T21:49:00.000-06:00

Even with my slow pace, this little bug has earned one glass of wine before bed. An hour on my treadmill says so, and I believe it.

I feel good.

2011-11-23T13:31:00.001-06:00

Thank you, super-cool manager!

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The Essence

2011-11-23T10:33:00.000-06:00

Why is it easier to give than to receive?

When you can't think of a nice thing to say to the reflection in the mirror and see only a flat image, how is it possible to feel so deeply for the misfortunes of a coworker's son?

Is it real altruism, or could I better serve if I could better receive from myself? Tara, I need your words.

A gift I am trying to give myself is good health. Sobriety is still mine, and I white-knuckled it through another night. My neck feels better today, and I can run or do whatever workout I please. These last three statements look like a lot of whining and complaining to me. Boo-hoo, you big baby, so many people are more thankful for much less.

Where is your joy, where is your sparkle?

Is it with that little girl at her gramma's?

Can you really not balance without her?

Is it all the things that have happened in the last few days combined, or is it really just that one thing??

Figure it out, girl, there is a VERY important lesson here.

(If all you really want is that little girl's happiness, then why aren't you the absolute best mommy you know you can be? Why do you get frustrated with her sometimes? Why don't you spend every single minute playing cards, Barbie dolls with her? If she is so important, then it's time to take another look and to try a helluva a lot harder. Cook with her, look into her eyes, do everything possible to BE there for that hug when she leaves the house.)

Yes, this is where I have invested my sparkle for years. I understand. I can try harder to be a better mom, but maybe I lean on her too much for my own personal happiness.

Tara, talk to me about self-love.

My Blog is an Honest Place

2011-11-22T09:29:00.007-06:00

Not only did I miss out on running yesterday, but that crappy video now has me sitting out of yoga today. I've really jammed up my neck.

I'm in a piss-poor mood, thanks to my car acting up, hitching its way but finally landing me safely at work. I'm just waiting to pay the thing off so I can be denied for credit again on the cheap Korean car I want. Thanks, C, for your contribution to my situation.

Yup, piss-poor mood.

Everyone can just F off today.

With lack of exercise I find myself really fighting for sobriety. So far so good, but it's not going to last long. I don't like being told no. Girl, you haven't earned a damn thing. Keep spinning your wheels for nothing.

I wonder how much car repairs will cost and where exactly I'll be when I lurch to a dead stop. Hopefully this time I won't have a semi behind me like I did when the alternator gave up.

Fucking shit on this day.

I'm so looking forward to the drive home.

2011-11-21T19:01:00.003-06:00

let it be less hardship, not about sweat or weight loss or speed goals

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2011-11-21T19:01:00.001-06:00

Pls exercise patience. Go slow and steady wt the program, and with each run.

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Turkey Week

2011-11-21T11:38:00.003-06:00

I miss my J, and I didn't get a hug. That really hurt my feelings, but I know it was unintentional. It's been days, and the heaviness of my arms lingers. This is an attachment I don't fight! I love her!

Kickboxing last night felt good, but this morning my neck is a bit sore. It's hard to find a decent video. Most try to cram a good, sweaty workout into a limited time span without knowing their audience. There's a lot of potential for injury, and I found mine in the abs section. It was a lame routine, imbalanced and unevenly paced. I did my best to not follow the instructor, but to allow my body to enjoy the recommended moves at my own free will. I'm glad I did the workout my way or I'd be in a helluva lot of pain today.

Today I'll hit the track or treadmill again, depending on weather. This girl's got the blues REAL bad without little J's sounds around the house. Hopefully the rain will wait so I can find that inner peace outside. Then again, maybe today is the day for champagne and such. It's so dreary out and I could use some holiday cheer.

Speaking of blue, happy b-day G. You know it, man.

And to Mrs. R, that lovely lady who had no idea what a gift she gave. A rose for you @)----

The Perfect Courtship

2011-11-17T18:59:00.003-06:00

I don't worry about what passers-by think anymore when I'm on the tennis court. I used to feel such pressure! Today, I didn't even notice the cars on the busy street or the people moving around the playing fields next to me.

As I pulled my racket out, I was surprised at the worn handle. One of my custom fluorescent tennis-ball-yellow strings popped its anchor and now has a death rattle sound to it. The carefully applied tape on the head is bare, shredded canvas. I brought a new racket in case I couldn't tolerate my favorite, but it's too large for my hand and the oversized head makes the entire getup feel bungly. My old one was just fine for today!

I loved the weather, 63 degrees, sunny, and a hint of a breeze that made me want to move. The consistent green shade that every local high school court is painted thrills me to my very depths, with perfectly saturated white lines screaming their rules! There is always one net in better condition than all the rest, pulled taut, holding itself high and proud. It's a challenge, Sir Net, you dastardly goalie!

In this place, worries are not allowed. Today I slammed them in my car door as I got out, wham! I forgot to check for them when I came back, and they must have floated away like balloons into the sunset. Even now, I don't quite recall their original weight...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for my tennis today.

Sometimes I really like this girl.

~

Thank You, Again

2011-11-16T12:51:00.000-06:00

http://www.tarabrach.com/audioarchives2011.html

The Space of Presence

The perception of "there's not enough time or space" in life blocks our natural capacity for intimacy, creativity and wisdom. Pausing and connecting with the space of presence transforms our entire experience of being alive. This talk explores the pathways that reveal the space that is always here, the awake and loving space of our own awareness.

Wiser Next Week

2011-11-14T21:17:00.002-06:00

"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, 'you owe me.' Look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the whole sky." - Hafiz

Finding my Footing

2011-11-14T15:52:00.011-06:00

My first-ever downtown freestyle street run on Thursday was almost less than thrilling. Then it wasn't.

My favorite track was closed (to everyone but a crane and some construction workers donned in fluorescent orange vests), so I obediently followed my friend as he paced his way through the exhausted, dirty roads. I truly hated the pavement, everything I ended up carrying, the weight of my watch, the cold air blasting through my breathable tennies, and my own choice to continue putting one foot in front of the other. The new sunglasses I purchased for $1 smashed my eyelashes and were the first things to lighten my load. (I hope someone found them on the edge of the trash can and put them to good use!) My car wasn't so far away, and it was so tempting to turn back.

I had no trust. This happens in the first few minutes of yoga classes, too. Shut up, head! Come on, freshly exercised, newly pumping blood! It's like I begin at the wall as sealed as the catacombs as "The Casque of Amontillado"!! (an excellent read in full here: http://www.poestories.com/read/amontillado) As Poe described, "I hastened to make an end of my labour."

I don't know what makes me finally find my stride in every run, or which sweat droplet makes me break through and smile in kickboxing. If I could indentify the power of this magic turning point, I could harness it and begin to rely on it. We ran (I was by now delighting in the pace) through hilly neighborhoods, darted through traffic lights, hurdled curbs, and explored all around the UT area. College kids and professor types looked surprised to see our two figures flying towards them. Surprise!

By the time we neared the end of our self-created course, I didn't want to stop. My legs only knew motion, and slowing seemed silly. My muscles were rubbery, my knees were loose and I was mentally and physically raring to continue. I could barely walk with my jelly legs; they forgot how to balance themselves and my upper body in such sedentary motion.

I still don't feel like a runner, and I don't suppose I ever will. Nor do I feel like a musician, or any of those labels we give each other upon accomplishment.

Only one merit truly suits me.

"Mommy"

All the rest, I'm a jack of all trades and a master of none.

Marking Time

2011-11-09T08:26:00.000-06:00

My favorite part of the local school band/orchestra/choir/various music performances is watching the district employed conductors.

I wonder if they fantasize that this is their moment at State, and that they are competing for the top title in front of the toughest judges (their college professors perhaps)? They do look so serious out there, and surely don't use such composure in the everyday classroom!

My favorite to watch last night was the typical Mouth Major, complete with think glasses and mouth agape at his audience, as if people truly confounded him. He had good control over his music in general, and an impressive falsetto to warm up his choir! What really caught my attention was his tendency to hold his right hand in the shape of a gun. Poor choir! They were performing under a loaded gun, under a half-cocked conductor!! Every once in a while, he'd stomp his right foot on the "one" beat of "important" measures to hammer that sight home.

The thin, pale, willowy conductor waved her hands as if she was knitting. Technically, she was so precise, and managed to cue the pitches without actually cuing anything important. Her choir entered its second verse eight bars too early but they saw the height of their "g" in her left hand hen they got to it! Her cutoff was equally interesting, two open palms as if they wanted to wave "STOP!"

I loved the five little elementary guys who stepped up stage front and spat out "Drunken Sailor" with perfect enunciation and dynamics! Awesome! Mouth Major Conductor has excellent technical skills indeed. I sing this song around the house all the time! You'll never catch me without a tune- either the radio's on, or I'm humming something, and this drunken diddy is so much fun.

I'll keep waiting for that Aaron Copland piece I adore, or "Lass from the Low Countree". Those are for my J.

Heartfelt

2011-11-08T10:34:00.000-06:00

I can't say I've followed my heart for every decision.

Most of the time we're probably all following social norms. I'm doing what's expected of me.

Sometimes we go against this, and do exactly as we please. We all have that inner voice, the push, I call it, that lives deep inside with it's lofty goals and ambitions. This makes us unique as individuals, or we'd all end up digging the same ditches.

Then there are those goals that are actually created by that old reverse-psychology trick, by someone telling you that you can't do something. Hey girl, you can't go to college- who do you think you are??? Suddenly, this girl desperately needed to go to college. So what if I starved a little along the way or lived out of my car for a week here and there. Did you do some things you weren't proud of? Did you get what you wanted, and does it serve you today???

What are your goals now?

What are you seeking?

What are you attaining?

What is driving you?

Is it pure?

This Week

2011-11-04T13:58:00.000-05:00

Goodbye to a couple of things this week.

K, we will miss you around here.

My morning fashion check-in.

I am sad about these things.

How do we ever know for sure that our decisions are right???

I visited a psychic once when I was 18 in San Marcos. She stared at my dominant palm for awhile, then studied my face. She shook her head, and simply told me, "follow your heart." She gave my friend a long, intuitive reading.

My gut reaction to her reaction was that I had a very long way to go, many lessons to learn before I found my footing. Maybe I would never find it in this lifetime.

My heart has led me to my little girl.

Muses

2011-11-04T11:06:00.002-05:00

From the siggies of Yelp posters:

I don't appreciate being paraphrased, I choose my words very deliberately

Show me the umami

Jam out with your clam out!

Ich bin ein drink snob

It's not easy pretending to work this hard all day long.

I enjoy food and people, sporadically, in that order

What I lack in height, I make up in personality

Shut up or we're eating at Olive Garden

You Can Keep That

2011-11-03T09:15:00.001-05:00

If you are having a cold sore breakout, please don't come sit on my desk where I eat my lunch and tell me about it.

Keep your butt to yourself!!!

I don't know if cold sore germs can float through the air, but I swear I could almost see them like a swarm of mosquitoes flying around my cube. My empathy crawled under my desk and hid. I can't hold my breath as long I'd like.

I'm now out of Clorox wipes, and I have no guarantee it won't be back thanks to yours.

(Ha, I'm going to Clay Pit for a team lunch anyway. Bye, K! We'll miss you!!!!)

Playing in Circles

2011-10-29T18:48:00.000-05:00

Please body, stop betraying me. I took my antibiotics for three days so the strep would begin to go away. Once again, I feel great and I'm ready to reclaim my own damn happy, healthy life. Seven more days of those nasty pills, and some probiotics to counter their other effects.

Is my lack of trust in good health the reason this keeps happening?? I may feel like this, but logically it's just my lot at the moment.

Trust has never been my strongest suit. Its friend, hope, is my least favorite emotion.

Give me concrete facts, let me play with my spreadsheets, and then maybe I can make accurate predictions. Let me perform stoic Bach over playful Mozart.

To play Mozart, you have to let go of yourself, and trust that this master of all composers will take you on a journey beyond your wildest dreams.

I've never been there.

This October Day

2011-10-25T09:11:00.000-05:00

Thirteen year circle

Happy anniversary

Thank you for my child!

Retreat, Yoga

2011-10-24T09:58:00.002-05:00

I love yoga retreats. I don't even know how to explain all that I learned about meditation, or the small beauties that I witnessed at the ashram. Gratitude for my lessons and teachers prevails.

By the end, I felt completely saturated and ready to digest my intake. This time I took no photos, only brief notes and long memories.

I love sattvic food and feel best when I eat this way. Still, I deeply enjoyed Sunday night's barbeque dinner! The meat filled my belly in a heavy, satisfying way and when combined with the company of my family, the effect was wholly soft and gentle.

Soft and gentle.

These words fill my head, my heart, my spirit.

Knowledge Accrued

2011-10-21T09:03:00.000-05:00

I've seen "Lisa's Hemi" at least ten times. She barrels onto the freeway in her red truck like a madwoman with a fury. I always let her in front of me with no argument! I often see repeat commuters, usually identified by unique bumper stickers or license plates that closely resemble mine. (There's also the maroon truck with the balls swinging low and the barbecue sticker on the window...)

One day, I realized that Lisa and I work in the same building. She must have been running late, because she pulled into a parking meter right in front, but the state sticker told me she was a resident.

Then one day after the LO's, she began parking in my lot. She parks like she drives, all crooked.

C told me that he saw her at the taco place around the corner once. I was jealous! I love tacos!!!

This morning, as I pulled into my usual spot Lisa swung around and filled the place across from me. I couldn't believe it! Here she was, right in front of me, and I'd finally see this enigma of I-35! Who is this fearless master of downtown?? Do I know her through my networking??

A petite woman hopped out of that giant cherry red truck. Her brown cowboy boots were in full view because she wore tan beach pants with a pink heart on the butt. She must be a UT fan because her burnt orange t-shirt, purse, and previously-dark-hair-but-now-dyed-kind-of-blond hair matched. I followed her into the building and held my stomach as her companion smoked his cigarette and spat often on the sidewalk. I lost her as I turned to take the stairs and they headed for the elevators.

Once again, I was happy to let her go ahead with no arguments from me!

The Dangers of "Helping"

2011-10-20T10:34:00.001-05:00

I'm sure they had good intentions, but in the end the human factor interfered.

To summarize, The reserve owner cut the fence and let the animals out, then shot himself. The wild animals he was supposed to protect were shot by authorities and the few that remained were quarantined at a nearby zoo.

The intent behind zoos, circuses, and preserves is fine until humans get their hands, whips, and bullchains involved. We don't see what happens behind the scenes.

WE NEED BETTER LAWS TO PROTECT EXOTIC ANIMALS!!!

How do we ensure that only kinds hands are involved in animal care (even care of humans who can't care for themselves) when we can't even screen our own political system for an honest candidate???? It starts with the legal system, folks.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/20/us/police-kill-dozens-of-animals-freed-from-ohio-preserve.html?_r=1&hpw

A Crisp Day!

2011-10-19T08:38:00.002-05:00

Hello, cold weather! Nice to see you, but stay off my neck! You inspired me to find my favorite brown trench coat and put a brisk step in my walk this morning.

I hope to get out of my rental car today and back into my own. They say it looks good as new, and I'll be happy to get out of the Ford Focus (silly excuse for a car) that I've been driving. I know my car is no Mazda MX 8 (oh, I love you so), but it does drive like a clean, mean machine (when it's not broken down).

Dad surprised me yesterday with some news! We're going to Miami/Ft. Lauderdale around Christmas!!! This is very, very cool, and I can't wait to go on and on about this when I have some more details!!!!! We'll see my great uncle B and aunt P, whom I haven't seen since I was 4.

I'm feeling super-fantastic today. I've been slowly getting back into my yoga groove and yesterday's somewhat advanced class left me sore around my ribcage but in a great way. Whatever respiratory issue that was last week has almost exhaled itself. The traffic accident is long behind me. Those other, deeper health issues I've alluded to were ovarian cysts, and I seem to be recovering well there too (it's hard to tell until my next scan, but I feel great). My overall point here is that my body is bouncing back and greeting the new day, the turn of weather, with all the sparkle of my usual self!!!

Hello, sparkle!

We will garden together, dance in the kitchen, do way too many chores, and love...
Tonight is KICKBOXING!!!!!!!!!!

I remember this girl.

2011-10-17T21:05:00.002-05:00

I am not good at mobile blogging yet!!!

Everything begins as a learning experience. Sometimes it turns out you're wrong, but that can lead you to the truth.
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2011-10-17T19:36:00.001-05:00

Sent from my Verizon Wireless Phone

She Loves Me

2011-10-17T15:48:00.000-05:00

Yes, I do love to relax and that is my favorite garden hat.

I'm glad she sees me this way, and to know her perpecte I love how happy she looks as she teases me.

2011-10-17T10:13:00.001-05:00

Testing my mobile blogging!!!

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J on Joe

2011-10-13T10:17:00.001-05:00

I had a happy little girl on my hands last night! Arrrgh me maties, she's gonna be a pirate for Halloween! I thought she was going to be Frankengirl as she had decided immediately after her head injury last month, but as time has passed, it seems she doesn't want to revisit the event. She's ready to let go. I was pretty tired when I got home yesterday, but what better pick-me-up than to take her costume shopping and make her day!

I'm still sore from Tuesday's yoga but began my morning today with some lovely stretches. Hello, me. It's so nice to bend and move the way I want without being told "NO!" by my own body. I'm also loving my protein Odwalla this morning with half a cup of black coffee.

You wouldn't believe how much more efficient my work is on the java rather than tea. I know they both have caffeine, but I'm reminded why I like to drink coffee at work. At home, I love the smell and ritual. I've got the French press down to an artform now! L, if you're out there, you'd be proud! Or maybe you'd tell me it was about damn time! I dedicate my cup of black joe to you out there in the ether this morning. To all the coffee drinkers, past and present!!

Obviously I need to slow down on the coffee. (and it's only been 1/4 cup!)

Lessons of the Day

2011-10-12T12:25:00.000-05:00

1. There is no such thing as a half-hour meeting

2. Don't yoga so intensely if you haven't worked out for awhile.

3. Stale Doritos are worth their weight in gold-colored powder (but give me a Funyun anyday!)

4. http://www.yonanas.com/

5. A steak for breakfast can be a good idea with all the right sides. Medium rare, please.

This Fabulous Life

2011-10-11T20:22:00.003-05:00

What fun life has been lately! Thank you for all my wonderful gifts!

Welcome home, 'Alamo Fire' maroon bonnets!

Now that I have my fence in, I can plant you babies with no worries.

Except for those birds.

Perfect time of the year for a scarecrow!

A lovely lady!

Dad and I shared an unexpected Klimt moment one afternoon!

J's first rock concert with The Eggmen!

She wanted me to explain why the Walrus was significant.

I did my best!

They were tiny eggs from my camera's POV.

A pic I took of my laptop of a guy on his laptop in a subtitled French movie...

(random weirdness)

More than random!!

One of my best friends forever!!

We had a great time at the Mediterranean festival.

Beautiful St. Elias!

My favorite dish of the evening was a sampler platter from Eritrea.

Some of the selections were VERY spicy!

The bread had a sour yeast flavor but somehow worked with the heat.

Dancing in the streets and on the curbs!

Opa!

Full circle!

My Way

2011-10-07T16:55:00.000-05:00

Dr. Chiro said only 15 minutes of running, so I'll put in fence stakes around my new winter garden with a sledgehammer instead.

I'm sure that doesn't count ;)

G, V and the whole family are ALL coming to see me on Monday!! I love them so much.

We're off to the Mediterranean Festival this weekend!!!! Opa!

Outdoor Reverence

2011-10-06T13:08:00.000-05:00

I'm going to see if I can talk Dr. Chiropractor into letting me do a light (ha) trail run on Saturday. The weather is perfect, my other health issues are better, and I'm only barely sore from Monday's little fender bender.

I even have child care lined up so I can run this one alone. I don't mind taking J alongside me on her bike, but she minds that I don't run as fast as she can pedal! After about ten minutes, the complaining begins. Then after just a couple laps around the park, she's done. I want to go a couple more! It's all about pacing, little J- someday you'll learn to harness and utilize that exuberance to your advantage.

C finished his management training program last week and has his permanent assignment with his company. His new schedule means FAMILY MOVIE NIGHT is back!!!!! Saturdays can also be family days again, but I'll be headed for the Catholic church with J on Sundays. This is a bit uncomfortable for me since I'm not Catholic, but I've learned how to blend, when to kneel, and not to skip the holy water upon arriving at the church (a few odd stares is all it takes for me to know I'm in the "wrong"). Still, that water ritual doesn't seem all that sanitary, given that everyone is sticking their fingers in it, and then I'm supposed to wipe it on my forehead... It would be nice if they had an automated dispenser.

I always find my solace in the dew drops of my early morning garden. I replaced some plants that died in our intense August/September heat, and the front cottage garden is starting to look nice again. I can't wait for my Arbor Day Foundation order to arrive- hello oak trees, crepe myrtles, rose-of-sharons, and one other tree I forgot the name of! I also ordered some maroon bonnets through Amazon to overwinter along with our usual blues.

It is time to be outside.

Shhhh

2011-10-05T19:18:00.003-05:00

Quiet blog.

A moment for Mr. Apple.

Good Times Thursday

2011-09-30T13:21:00.000-05:00

El Mercado

Happy, happy, happy hour!

My friend Y

Y looking good after her margarita on the rocks!

One of many fountains at UT

I love the Tower

So much that I took a closer pic

Even closer yet...

A stairwell inside the Tower.

I loved the ceiling details, and the light reflecting on the marble walls.

And then we turn off the cameras to focus on fun!!!

Kristen's Wisdom

2011-09-30T12:00:00.000-05:00

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow.

It empties today of its strength.”
-Corrie Ten Boom

"Let go of the outcome."
-(she can't remember who said this, but waited patiently as I wrote it on a sticky note for my desk!)

Taking a Load Off!!

2011-09-28T18:49:00.000-05:00

Pay no mind to my laundry!

Respite

2011-09-28T13:05:00.001-05:00

Thank you for this beautiful day, good health, and good friends!

More blogging to come soon, but first we:

Play with the October budget!!!!
Scrub the floors- sticky in front of the sink from ?? (I don't really need this knowledge)
Catch up with laundry
Dance in the kitchen to those silly pop songs
Roast that butternut squash that was gifted so generously- thanks again, T!!!! (and I'm thinking olive oil, cracked pepper, garlic) Love will waft from this simple delight!

I'm having thoughts of beaches; they always flood my mind this time of the year. Port A (all beaches!), your lessons await my attention. Your wise horizon calls me every Texas autumn and spring!

I will whisper to you my mistakes and progress, and you will wink your last light from the sunset, leaving me in calm darkness and understanding.

My Week, End

2011-09-26T14:08:00.001-05:00

Only you can make you permanently happy.

I need to yoga. My mat is simple. Letting go of my questions holds all my answers.

I need to run. The rhythm of my tennis shoes makes me feel perfectly small. The silence between my inhale and exhale is my realness.

I need to scrub my house. Wiping that weekly slate clean reminds me that everything I do is for her.

Patience, girl.

Notes to Self

2011-09-26T10:04:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWmETxWM0h0

Snow can wait I forgot my mittens

Wipe my nose get my new boots on

I get a little warm in my heart when I think of winter

I put my hands in my father's glove

I run off where the drifts get deeper

Sleeping Beauty it drips me with a frown

I hear a voice you must learn to stand up

For yourself cause I can't always be around

He says when you gonna make up your mind

When you gonna love you as much as I do

When you gonna make up your mind

Cause things are gonna change so fast

All the white horses are still in bed

I tell you that I'll always want you near

You say that things change my dear

Boys get discovered as winter melts

Flowers competing for the sun

Years go by and I'm still here waiting

withering where some snowman was

Mirror mirror where's the crystal palace

But I can only see myself

Skating around the truth who I am

But I know the Ice is getting thin

When you gonna make up your mind

When you gonna love you as much as I do

When you gonna make up your mind

Cause things are gonna change so fast

All the white horses are still in bed

I tell you that I'll always want you near

You say that things change my dear

Hair is gray and the fire is burrnig

So many dreams on the shelf

You say I wanted you to be proud of me

I always wanted that myself

When you gonna make up your mind

When you gonna love you as much as I do

When you gonna make up your mind

Cause things are gonna change so fast

All the white horses have gone ahead

I tell you that I'll always want you near

You say that things change my dear

Never change

All the white horses ahhahh

Hmmm mmmm

You Can Do Anything

2011-09-23T10:24:00.000-05:00

There are people in this world who truly need compassion.

Take a giant dose of perspective with that morning tea or coffee, and send kind thoughts to those who are suffering more than you.

Hello!

2011-09-22T08:30:00.000-05:00

In Style magazine and Arbor Day Foundation membership materials in the mail! I'm looking forward to my new oak trees!

Good Earth Jasmine green tea blend in my tea cup on my desk!

Three emails in my Outlook box, all of which were immediately deletable!

THURSDAY- my favorite day of the week! You are so demure, yet have the glint of the weekend in your eye. You are not at all bombastic or expectant like Friday. (I love Friday in a different way, like a loud child.)

Rest

2011-09-20T08:33:00.000-05:00

Quiet, thoughts.

Your noise leads me.

The Longest Weekend

2011-09-19T11:06:00.000-05:00

J managed to split her head open on Friday afternoon. How helpless I felt, to be so far away from her and unable to teleport myself to be by her side immediately. Thanks to ACL, traffic was just awful and I had to pray for more patience than I wanted.

The gory details were unimaginable, I have never seen her in such pain. I laid my head down beside hers on that hospital pillow and looked her in the eyes as they gave her shots around the area where she'd be taking 11 stitches. She yelled a good bit but that connection with her mommy was more important than anything else in the world.

You bet I let her have ice cream for breakfast the next morning! Though I am very picky about her amount of "screen time", I also let her watch as much tv as she wanted all weekend long. Sunday afternoon she surprised me by taking a little initiative and asking to move a homework area into her room. Without letting her do too much physical activity, she came up with some cool ideas to "sophisticate" her room.

I think the experience grew her up a little. She had told me, "now I know what real pain is".

My heart still breaks for her, and even in the worst of the pain, she only assessed herself to be at a level 9 (on a scale of 1-10), my brave girl.

What is a 10, my dear? I hope you never get to that point. Perhaps it will be your first broken heart, or maybe you'll find it when your own child faces a hospital visit. Pain is part of life, but of all this, I found my lesson.

Lesson: Pain brings us closer together. My daughter looks me in the eye with more love than ever. She sees that in me, too.

Missing the Forest and the Trees

2011-09-16T09:03:00.000-05:00

I got my eyes checked yesterday. It had been too long sisnce I visited, and I was a little worried that five years was maybe a little on the irresponsible side.

I'm still good to go; no glasses needed.

He did leave me with some parting words, though. He said, "you work too hard to see what's right in front of you."

Most people look through object right in front of them, then relax their eyes to focus close range. I focus too near, then refocus again to expand just a bit further, like I missed my shot the first time.

The words stick with me though, because he has no idea just how correct he is.

Rethinking

2011-09-14T10:52:00.001-05:00

I'm considering a 1/2 dug, 1/2 raised garden approach. There's a method called double-digging, and it may be best for my compacted clay.

Indecisive girl, you're your own worst enemy. You want the best of everything and the worst of none of it.

I also have to figure out a fence solution so the dog and cat stop doing their business in my nice soil. The plants can only take so much "hot" fertilizer. Fences cost a pretty penny if you want one that's at all attractive. Even so, it's been a long time since I dug fence post holes with my grampa.

Suddenly this seems like so much work... Where should I even begin???

(anywhere, girl, just make tiny progress if you have to)

Today

2011-09-14T09:11:00.002-05:00

Happy birthday, grampa.

I remember you.

The Garden of My Life

2011-09-13T15:42:00.002-05:00

Hello, seeds in the mail!!!
I've picked out a nice little plot of my yard to dig fresh and even have my irrigation plans and equipment ready to go. Let the digging commence. With our heavy clay soils, I'll need a lot of organic amendments and patience. It will take years for this in-ground bed to mature.

Good-bye, above ground beds!! You were just too small for all my plants last year, and watering you was a PAIN!

The side garden that I toiled and tilled last year will remain, and I have no idea yet what I'll plant where. That one needs more amendment this year, but as a two-year old, I'm excited to see how this baby will sprout. Last year, I pulled some lovely miniature fat round French carrots and even a nice tight head of Boston lettuce. The "Bright Lights" Swiss chard I planted this time last year was recently pulled, having survived and kept its beautiful color even through our August heat. I even found a toad living over there, whom I eventually named Mr. Stripey, and greeted him properly each time we crossed paths.

Time to get out the sketchbook and start drawing all those plant-babies into their new homes! I love looking back at the drawings to see what last minute changes I made, and those decided for me by Lady Nature.

All those thoughts in my head get buried along with droplets of sweat as I ponder all the people in my life. My goals and desires grow with my garden, and I look forward to seeing how this Fall and Winter will flourish.

I even look forward to the challenges and lessons of the plot.

From Burpee: (yes, I'm going with one of the big, bad GMO-friendly companies this year- my plants from them did the best last year, I simply can't deny...)

50757A Kale, Dwf Blue Curled Vates

One of the most attractive of all vegetables in the fall garden.
1 Pkt. (500 seeds)
SHIPPED 1 $3.25

60111A Kohlrabi, Purple Vienna Organic
Organic, mild kohlrabi.
60111A - 1 Pkt. (300 seeds)
SHIPPED 1 $3.95

68365A Beet, Chioggia Organic
Interesting red and white rings. Very sweet.
68365A - 1 Pkt. (250 Seeds)
SHIPPED 1 $3.95

53066A Lettuce, Lolla Rossa
Edible Ornamental Italian heirloom with crinkly deep red leaves and fine flavor.
53066A - 1 Pkt.(900 Seeds)
SHIPPED 1 $3.25

51060A Swiss Chard, Neon Lights Mix
Five bright shining colors in one packet!
51060A - 1 Pkt. (100 seeds)
SHIPPED 2 $3.95

I have many more on my list, but these are the ones I can't find locally very easily. The lolla rossa was impoosible to even find online after Fall began. The organics and heirlooms are non-GMO anyway, but I don't like to give my money to companies that do anything GMO. I also don't tike to work/pay extra water bills for no reason, and the few Burpee test plants I allowed in last year clearly outperformed all the rest.

I miss you, gramma, and I dedicate this year's garden to you too. Always.